The Year Of Happiness.

As I go into this New Year I am fully adopting my "Whatever, Fuck it." attitude. It seems to serve me best. I am always the one who cares too much when no one else does. I need to start living my life for myself and no one else. I am the key to my own happiness. I need to focus on being happy with myself before I can be happy with someone. So, I am making 2014 the year of my happiness. I need to reduce my stress levels. Let go of things that aren't good for me. Stop putting all my hope into one thing. I need to stop hoping and start doing. If I want it I need to go get it. Nothing comes to you in life. You must go after it yourself. I also need to stop being so sensitive. I can't get through life like this. So if you don't care, I don't care.

I might even put forth a little effort to make myself look good. I mean, i'm a pretty decent looking girl why not actually dress nice sometimes? I need 2014 to be the year of me. Not in a conceited way but, in a good and healthy way.

Tonight, I'm bringing in 2014 with my family. Not exactly what I was hoping for, but it's still great. I plan to have fun. No stress. No worries. No regrets. Happy New Year, everyone! May your 2014 be filled with many great blessings and adventures!

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

F. H. P.

So it's the eve of New Year's Eve and as of yet I have no plans. [sad face] I feel like a scrub. I need to do something with my life. I'm trying out this patience thing with Guy F. It's hard. My patience wears thin VERY quickly, but I am trying. I just wish I knew if he was trying. I remember his dad saying something about putting him to work while he's home. He goes back to his base on the second. I hope I get to speak with him before he leaves. We need to discuss this whole "compromise" concept. I need to know what he wants from this. I don't wanna go through the same motions with him. I want this to be different. I do. BUT, at the same time I also know that I can't have everything I want...no matter how much I love him.

In retrospect, I should have more faith. I must say, my lack of faith has been my greatest downfall. I rarely ever have FAITH, HOPE, or PATIENCE. Loyalty, respect,and honor. I have those locked in, but the other three I need to work on. I need to have faith in myself and in him. I need have faith that maybe (just maybe) this time will be different. I also need to have hope. Hope that, even if it doesn't turn out the way I want it to, something good will come from this situation. And patience, I need that to get me through the whole ordeal. I need a brighter aspect to look at this from. I need to actually give it a chance. I guess i'm so scared of getting hurt again that I always run from it whether it's working or not. I never even really give it time to work. I just leave before anything really bad can happen. He hurt me all those months ago, badly. I guess I never really fully healed from it. I never really forgave him. Maybe that's what keeps drawing me to him... -nah, what am I saying. I love him. I'm still in love with him. I love him to the ends of the Earth and back three times over, but what if i'm waiting for something that will never happen? Something that is never meant to be? What will I do then?

I'm not sure anyone really understands the extent to which I love this man. Let me explain: I would love him even if he came back from this impeding (and dreadful) deployment with both his legs missing. I would love him whether he comes back full health with all limbs or half his health and a few limbs. Like, I would still want him. He would still be the only man I love. Forever. All and any perceived imperfections that he or anyone else feels that he has right now in this moment or would have after a deployment do not matter. To some, he's pretty average and not all that great looking. To me, he is the sexiest thing walking. I could stare at him all day. Honestly, I could...I have done it before. There are many things about him that on any other guy I would turn my nose up at, but with him it's normal. I accept it.

But alas, this is where my lack of faith, hope, and patience come in at...i'm not sure if it's going to hurt me or help me. Anyways, i'm wayyy off topic and I need to eat. So..

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

I Do Overthink.

Remember how I thought I couldn't fix the spat Guy F and I got into? Apparently my last message to him did fix it. He sent me a message in the middle of the night after Christmas day. Hold on, lemme put it here:

"I'm just now seeing this but I'm sorry for ignoring you. You should of never tried to run though. I love you so so much and it's just hard to be your friend. I love you too much and my feelings are into you too much to just be your friend. I want to hold you at night and kiss you. Not just sit there and watch a movie. Yes I do a good job at ignoring you but at the same time it tears me apart inside. I only do it to seem like I don't care when I really do. Smh stop running and overthinking and start coming and compromising. I promise to do the same."

I felt bad all over again. I apologized to him again and asked if he accepted my apology. I really wanted to see him today and be in his arms, but I guess he was busy all day. I'm not sure. I didn't ask. I just told him to come by if he had time. I just wanted to see him, talk to him, and just be with him. I think I will just wait for him to come to me. I have a lot of things planned for tomorrow anyway. I won't really communicate with him much. I kind of want to see if he's actually serious this time. The only way to see is to recede back into the corner and see if he reaches out to me. If he's serious it will show.

Although, I would really like to spend New Year's Eve/Day with him i'm not going to ask. I'm just hoping that he will ask me or surprise me. I think it would be good. It would symbolize a new start. Hopefully a better beginning. (Maybe I will get my 101 after all.) I just need to be more patient. I saw a Facebook post today. Someone posted a status about patience and endurance. Here it is: "Patience-The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset. Endurance-The ability to do something difficult for a long time." I am going to try to apply this to the whole "compromise" thing that Guy F wants me to try. He's actually showing a bit of effort. I just have zero patience. I want what I want when I want it.

I think that during our time apart and pretending to not still be in love with each other Guy F grew a little bit. He seems more mature. More focused on what he wants in life. I guess my problem is trusting him, but i'm working on it. Maybe we could eventually work out everything, get back together, and have something absolutely amazing. Well...I have many things I could fantasize about, but I have this book I want to read.

Oh...wait! I bet you're wondering what I sent him..Here it is:

"So, regret is my biggest fear in life. I would not be able to live with myself if I did not get this off my chest. I’m sorry for trying to run. I’m sorry. I just thought you didn't want me to cross that line with you. You told me that I crossed the line sometimes. You said that. I was trying not to cross the line. I was trying to give you friendship like you wanted, but I couldn't do it. I still love you. I’m still in love with you. I’m not over you. I tried dating other guys. I just want you. It just seems like every time I try with you I mess it up and I get my feelings hurt. I didn't want to get my feelings hurt. I didn't want to risk bearing all with you (again) and getting my feelings hurt. I will say that you are a master at ignoring me. Like, seriously, it makes me feel like shit. One day you love me, the next you’re ignoring me like I don’t exist. Sometimes I wish I could do the same, but I’m no master at ignoring my feelings. Also, I wouldn't want to make you feel like I don’t care or that I don’t give a damn about you. I’m shy, I’m scared, and I’m impulsive at times. I won’t let my feelings go. I always tell you how I feel. Simply because I think about how I would feel a million times worse if something happened to either one of us and I never told you how I feel. That’s why I always tell you. I don’t want to regret not telling you. I mean, sure, I make questionable decisions, but I’m not perfect; I make mistakes. Anyway, I’m not trying to vie for you to talk to me. I can take a hint. I’ll leave you alone. I just needed to get this off my chest. I guess my “go for it” attitude doesn't always work. I never give up on what I want, but I can’t keep fighting a losing battle. I’ll let you go. I love you. I hope you enjoy the rest of your time off."

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Drunk Chips Ahoy

So before Guy F and I got into it and stopped talking, the last conversation I had with him was about his favorite cookies which are Chips Ahoy. Also, about if "Drunk In Love" by Beyonce was his favorite song because he played it each and every time I was with him. First off let me say that I particularly don't like Chips Ahoy. I like Oreos. I also did not necessarily like the song. Needless to say, on Christmas Eve I subconsciously bought Chips Ahoy. I really wanted some cookies and at the time I saw Chips Ahoy so I wanted them. When I got home I sat there pondering for about 45 minutes why I had bought Chips Ahoy and I do not like them. Then, it dawned on me! I talked to Guy F about friggin Chips Ahoy the night before I went to the store. So now i'm stuck with a package of cookies that I don't even like, and I can't stop listening to this song. It's actually quite catchy. I also understand why he played it every time I was in his presence. I understand so much now. All this on top of still feeling bad. Although I don't think I should feel bad. He let me leave. Then again, it's not like I put up much of a fight to get him to talk to me. I could have done more, but so could he. He let me give up and walk away. Angry or not, if he really cared he would have at least talked to me. Or maybe he just thinks I will come back. That I will attempt to talk to him again. I think i'm going to hold out this time. It's time for me to grow some balls and actually do what I say i'm going to do. No use in wasting my time planning all of this and then not following through with it, right?

....I need professional help lol. I really love writing, but this is supposed to help. It just confuses me more. Maybe I should write it in fiction form. I plan to do that one day anyway. Write a book. I love to write. Words are beautiful. I should have never given up on my poetry. I need to write more. My goal was to improve my poetry immensely. I plan to take a poetry class before I graduate. Hopefully I can make it happen. Maybe I will take a creative writing class as well. I'll contemplate it.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

Well...I did it again folks. Yup...I am just destined to make everlasting mistakes. So I hung out with Guy F this weekend. It was actually pretty nice. Except for the part where I pushed him away continuously as he tried to make advances on me. He said he wanted to be friends though. Things really blew up in my face when I tried to make a prompt exit stage left. I told him that I wasn't ready to be his friend in person. He proceeded to tell me he loved me, and I shut him down. It was unintentional though. Basically, he got his feelings hurt and he has taken ignoring me to an entirely new level. I think I finally did it folks. I let my stubbornness and my intent to not mess things up completely fuck up everything.

I tried to run. I wanted to run. I couldn't give him what he asked for. He asked for friendship. I couldn't deliver and I tried to run. Well...I guess it worked. He let me go. Again. Guess I should deal with it and let him go too? I'll try. I keep dragging myself through this sinking pit and barely getting out each time. I don't even know why. It's like I try and try to claw my way out of the hole and each time I almost get out before I fall back inside.

I need to grow up. I need to open my eyes. I need to breathe fresh air. I need to live. I can't stop living because my heart is broken. Haha --- this is me trying to cheer myself up. Give myself some good advice. Nahhh, the best advice is to follow your heart. Take the leap. Just be prepared for the negative outcome as well as the positive outcome. Everything doesn't always go as planned.

You know...looking back on everything...I completely messed everything up. There was a moment of miscommunication and everything went to hell from there. And the worst part of it all is that I can't fix anything. Clearly I don't know how to communicate with him. Maybe we need the separation. Maybe we'll each go off and fall in love with other people, get married, and be happy.

Okay, whatever, I feel better. Now I just have to contemplate on whether or not to really try to talk to him. I told him I would leave him alone. I don't want to give up, but he let me give up.. Ehh, i'll think on it.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

No Magic 101.

Well you guys, I think I finally have it. I have a grip on reality. I now fully understand that nothing will ever happen again between Guy F and I. I was just holding on to some fantasy. I'm serious this time. I know I have to put all my feelings aside. I need to let them go. Letting my feelings go will probably result in me letting him go, finally. How do I know? Well I messaged him and told him that I really missed our friendship. He replied and we had a mini conversation until I asked how he and his family were doing. He ignored me. So I waited and waited until finally I sent him another message. I told him that I only wanted him in my life somehow. I told him that I promised not to cross any lines. I also apologized for constantly doing this to him. I told him if he wasn't ready for a friendship, then he needed to tell me and I would back off. His response:

           "Yes I really do. I love you and all but yeah you do cross some lines so as long as you stop that and I try my best to communicate with you. We both need to try."

And right there ladies and gentlemen, there is my grip on reality. In plain black and white print. Everything I have hoped for and fantasized about...gone in less than 30 seconds. I realized how idiotic I must have seemed. How desperate I came off as in my will to get him back. I feel lower than dirt and dumber than idiotic. I really let what I thought was love blind me. He doesn't care. He thinks I crossed lines with him each time we ended up trying to be back together. I wasn't the one who did the crossing of the lines though! He did. Exhibit A from today:

Me: Okay. I promise to keep it strictly friendly. I won't cross any lines and I'll communicate with you the same way I would a friend. I won't bother you every day and I won't bring up feelings.

Guy F: Ok. But I do love you

Like W-T-F guys? Do you know how upset this makes me? It infuriates me. Like, how DARE he! -PAUSE- let us continue:

Me: I'm sorry. I'm just not sure how to respond exactly. I told you I would keep it strictly friendly. But I understand.

Guy F: I'm saying like I love you on a serious note.

Me: Why? I just said I would be your friend.

Guy F: Yeah I still love you.

Me: I don't understand what you want from me.

Guy F: Friendship. All I'm doing is letting you know how I feel.

Me: Friendship you shall get. Although I think I would fair better without knowing how you feel.

I just don't understand his line of thinking. Is this supposed to be some ruse to keep me on the bench as a second-string option? If so, he has definitely lost his fucking mind. He's trying to play games with my head. He probably has a girlfriend or something.  I don't know, but I really don't need to know how he feels. It's irrelevant to our agreement to be friends. It really is.

Now about the title..

I really wanted this to be our magical 101st and last try at our relationship. Where'd I get that from? I was watching 90210 and Silver interviewed this lady about why she and her husband waited so late to get married. This lady's reply really spoke to me. She said that it seemed like her and her husband had tried to be in a relationship 100 times when they were younger and it never worked. "I guess all we needed was 101." I guess all this time I was waiting for a 101 with Guy F. I guess we'll never get there. It doesn't seem like it's meant to be. So, with my new-found wisdom and grip on reality, I vow to focus mainly on friendship with Guy F. Nothing more, nothing less. I will not let my feelings cloud my judgement nor get in my way. He will be just like any other friend. Am I over him? Not completely, but I will get there. I am determined to put this behind me, and I vow to do just that. Well people...

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Bipolar Post? Maybe.

As much as I do not like Guy F, I still love him. I just want him. I want what we had. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to go out on any dates. I don't want to even be bothered with any other guys. I just really want to fix things with Guy F.  I can't let it go and I should be able to by now. I'm not going to let myself fold and try to work things out with him. I know better. Well, I think I know better. I don't really know how things were on his end. I never found out. I mean all my friends have stories of past relationships and what usually is going on. I take everything with a grain of salt though. No one ever really knows the full story except for the person in question.

Have you ever just thought that you made the biggest mistake of your life ever? I mean, yeah, I told him I was done for good but it hurt so badly to say it. Like, i'm sitting here now trying to convince myself that i'm happy and that i'm better without him, but the truth is that i'm not. I'm freaking miserable. I can't sleep.I'm living off of pringles and coke. I go for long walks out in the cold trying to take my mind off of it all. I'm a mess. I'm not happy. I don't feel any better since I told him I was done for good. I'm not done for good. I might be miserable for the rest of my life. And for what? Because everyone else kept telling me that I need to leave him alone? Because they believed that I am better off without him? They don't know anything. They know nothing about how I feel. My heart aches for him. Every single piece of me yearns for him. No one understands. I mean how can they understand something they've never had...it's my experience. They'll never understand, but each of them all have something to say. They all think they know what's best for me, but they don't. Only I know what's best for me. I know how I feel. All they have are possibilities. They don't know how he feels no more than I do. And right now, I feel like my biggest mistake was giving up and lying to him. Telling him that I was done for good. Acting like I don't care, but I do care. I care with every ounce of my being. I'm just scared. I don't want to be hurt again, but I also don't want to be without him. I have to try again. I have to put my pride and fears on the back-burner. I can't just let it all go because of stubbornness, fear, pride, and people who don't know squat about us.

I know that if I try there's a possibility that I will get hurt again. Probably even worse than I already have, but I will try to approach the situation as delicately as possible.I keep telling him I want to be friends, but I really don't. I don't want to be his friend. I want to be his everything. His reason for coming home, his reason for trying so hard to succeed. I want to be his motivation. I want to be his support. I want to be there every step of the way. That's all I want. I just want him. I just wish he wanted me back. I wish he wanted the same things that I want. I just want him to love me back. I wish he understood that if he gave me his all I would give it all back three times over. I wish I had the courage to tell him all this, but I can't. All I can do is anonymously hide behind my keyboard and type words that he'll never even know about.

Well...

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

I Can't Deal.

You guys...I don't think i've ever had to deal with  so much childishness and selfishness in one person. I'm so over this dude (let's call him Z). Like seriously, he's upset because I don't baby him and give him every ounce of my attention. I don't need a child. I want a boyfriend. If I wanted to take care of a child full time I would adopt my brother.

I know I said I would actually try, but this is too much. I can't deal with a man-child. He really needs to mature a bit more for my taste. I understand wanting attention but throwing a bitch fit every time you don't get as much attention as you want is overkill. He needs to re-evaluate his life. Better yet, he needs to find someone that will put up with his bs. I have a very low tolerance for fuckery. 

I can't deal with the self-absorbed, "Everything is about me.", "I'm the greatest thing that happened to Earth." type. You are not God's gift to earth. You're barely a gift to yourself, child. I need someone who is a bit more stable personality-wise.

I don't plan to talk to him for a few weeks. I don't want to be bothered with him. He's honestly a nuisance. Or maybe I just don't want him..I don't know. Either way, i'm tired of him. I cannot put up with him anymore. 

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

How Come No One Told Me?

Reading through my blog I realize how much of a bipolar, little snot I am. Sorry guys. Now...time for another post.

So tonight I went out to the movies with Guy E, and I realized something. I've been so caught up in Guy F that I never once really considered Guy E as a possibility. He actually does have feelings for me. He told me this. The thing is though...i'm not sure about myself. I mean he's wonderful. Don't get me wrong, he's been great thus far. I'm just not sure on how it would really work out. I mean I have been treating him like a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. I think he may want more though. Maybe not now, but eventually. I see it. The problem? I actually am dating a guy..

 A guy whom I quite honestly don't think I really like. I mean he's basically perfect. I just don't think he's for me. Or maybe i'm not giving him a fair chance? I don't really know right now. I plan to give it another week or two before I totally decide. He's quite clingy. I don't like clingy. We don't need to talk every day for every hour of the day. I like my space. I really like my space. I've probably pushed him away this week. I don't like his personality all that well either. He's too old to still be in that egocentric stage in his life. He needs to learn some self-humility and humble himself. I've never seen someone so self-oriented. He does try though. He tries very hard to keep me happy. He tries to change for me, but I don't want to change him. I don't think that any relationship should make you change who you are as a person. Your significant other will accept you as you are flaws and all.

Back to Guy E. I could see him and I in a future setting. I could, but the thing is...my dumb behind still wants Guy F.Why? Only God knows...Maybe it will all change. I'm going to give everything time. Right now, though, I need to go do laundry.

Until next time...

-Signed, 

Love

My Kindness Is Definitely Killing Me.

I spent the day sulking in my misery. Well part of the day...my very good friend B wouldn't let me sulk for long. SMH. Anyways...I just kinda wanna write out my thoughts. Don't mind this post...matter of fact don't mind the whole blog now that I think about it. It's just my outlet.

So...day...misery...yeahh...it didn't go exactly how I wanted it to go. As much as I would have loved to finally sit down and talk to Guy F about our situation, it didn't happen. I can't let him run over me. He'll never respect me if I don't make him. He treats me like shit because I let him. I have to stop letting my kindness and my feelings for him be my weakness. I need to stand my ground. I have a rough draft guys. I'm going to wait until Sunday to send it though. Yes, i'm being a weakling and giving him extra time. I know I suck at standing my ground. But here it is:

"At times I swear you're avoiding me. But whatever...I think we need to stay friends. I'm tired of letting you run over me. I was actually going to try to work things out with you, but then reality hit me. You can't say you want me in your life and you want to marry me then still treat me like some second hand option. I tried to talk to you. I tried. It's always me trying and getting my feelings hurt. Well i'm over it. I'll be your friend. You haven't showed me that you're sincere about anything you said in that message. I actually believed you too. I’m done letting you hurt my feelings. I’ll always be your friend, but I can’t let you hurt me anymore. I just can’t. If you could feel even a fraction of what I felt you would’ve given up a long time ago. You probably wouldn’t be able to deal with it. I hope you find someone you can actually treat like they need to be treated. Clearly it’s not me. I still love you, but I think I’m done for good this time. Idk what else to do.."

Yeah...I wanna say i'm not sure how it's going to go, but i'm pretty sure I won't get any response. Same as usual. I guess when it all comes down to it I still have my scissors to cut my hair. They never fail me. They never leave me. Strange? Maybe, but it's just something that makes me feel better about myself. New me equals new beginning, right? Ehh, don't worry too much. I've only ever seriously chopped my hair off twice now. Once in my freshman year of college and today. Today mostly because I had dead ends but either way it felt great. Plus, I like short hair. Okay, i'm getting of topic. Back to business.

So I was going to be too nice and still tell him we could work on it. UNTIL, it was brought to my attention that if he really cared about me that much he would have made time for me. If I was indeed the person he wanted to marry I would be treated as family, shown some respect, and given some time. Which I have not been. Clearly he's not ready for this. I honestly deserve way better than what he half pissed-assedly [yes, it is a word for now] gives me. I can do better. Will I do better? That's questionable. I am prepared to live my life lonely and surrounded by puppies. I already have my single life all planned out. Haha...yeah i'm a little dramatic, but I feel that it is a very strong possibility. Just saying. Well I have to get ready for a movie now. I'll probably post again before I go to sleep.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

It's Like Cutting Except The Pain Is Deeper.

In two days time I have let Guy F get my hopes up twice and destroy them all in the same day. Twice. Why? Let's go to the beginning...

Here's the message I got word for word after I poured my heart out to him and he didn't respond at all. No response, then this out of nowhere:

"OK here's the deal. I love you with all my heart. I really do. The reason I act the way I do is just because I don't want to get my heart broken by you. Granted, I know you're an honest, loyal, and faithful woman, but I've just seen it too many times where guys girlfriends put themselves in a bad situation like cheating while the boyfriend is gone for a while. I don't want you to get bored with me being far away nor close to you. You know I love you with all my heart and soul lady. I talked to my mom and she told me to stop being so cautious and messing it up with you because eventually youll get tired of trying and move on. I don't want that. I want us. I want me and you to grow old and have kids and all that. We both are made for each other. I just have to stop fighting it. I'm sorry I'm sorry im sorry times infinity. Please just take me back."

So what do I do? I tell him we can talk. I didn't say I would take him back. I just said we could talk. We were supposed to talk on Wednesday night, but he got caught up in something else. We were supposed to talk tonight, and yet again here I am being stood up. I'm honestly quite tired of it. I get that it's Thanksgiving and you're spending time with family, but the least he could do is tell me he's running late or something. I want to act like my feelings aren't hurt, but it's pretty clear that they are hurt. Idk what to do. He has my heart. I want it back. I shouldn't have to keep going through this. I need to move on. All he does is hurt me. Fuck him. I'm done. For real this time. I'm going to stand my ground and let him fucking suffer. I'm done.

And now i'm tired. I'm going to sleep. I'll write again later.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love 

It's Not Simple

Two songs come to mind when I think about Guy F: "Thing Called Us" by Hamilton Park and "Can You Stand The Rain" by New Edition. They just instantly come to mind when I think about the situation. It's not easy to just let the situation go. I'm really contemplating everything. Although, everything is telling me to stay away and keep what little peace I have left. But I feel like if I ignore it again, eventually, a few months from now we will be right back at this very point. We can't stay away from each other. It's like we're drawn to each other like magnets.

I remember a couple posts back when I posted about Dear John and how I did not want to become like the characters in that movie. Well guess what's happening anyway...bleehh. I guess at some point we both have to stop being so pig headed and figure out our problem and (effectively) deal with it. I don't know. I guess after a while of us always running back to one another, you start to think that maybe (just maybe) you're meant to be, right? I mean there has to be a reason for the constant returning to square one thing. There has to be. There's no other explanation. Unless we're both just stupid. Neither of our feelings ever changes for the other. We simply ignore them. How can I be so sure, you ask? I asked him how he felt. I asked him if his feelings ever faded or died down. I asked if he still loved me or in love with me? (There is a difference, ya know.) The feelings are still there. Everything is still there, except for us. We're at two different places. Two different mind processes. Two different levels. We don't understand each other, and I don't think we really try to either. I don't understand, but I am tired of trying. Anytime I try I get nothing but silence. So why do we ever even bother with putting our feelings out into the open for each other? What's the point? I just honestly can't even begin to fathom an understanding. Maybe our problem is communication. And stubbornness. Definitely stubbornness. I am willing to work on it though. I just never know what to say nor how to say it.  I wish he would just talk to me. Tell me something. I'm always left with nothing and just when I decide to drop it, it all comes back. The cycle has to end at some point right?

Okay I could write forever, but I really need to get my homework done now.

Until next time...

-Signed, 

Love

Last week.

So last week my mom and I got into a big argument. Ever since then I have been in a funk. I've been so down and out. I can't snap out of it. She got angry because I told her I couldn't afford to take care of her and myself. I don't work much. She has income. I need to take care of myself. No one else is going to do it. I need to eat and pay my bills. So she called me a bunch of mean things. Attacking my character and, basically, who I am as a person. She made me feel lower than dirt. I mean, I know now that it's not true. None of it is, but it still hurt. She's supposed to be my mother. Now, though, she wants to be friends and talk, but i'm not feeling it. I don't really want to talk to her much. Matter of fact, I barely go home.

I know this is sad, but it's my life right now. I have a lot going on. Too much for me to deal with actually. I just want peace, but it seems that's not in the stars for me. I always have a brief period of calm, very brief. Then, then I get hit with everything at once. This hasn't been the best past two weeks. Well I need to do homework!

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

It's Happening Again...

So Guy F attempts to strike again. He almost got me, but I learn with each lesson. We went through the whole "I still love you. I'm still in love with you." conversation. But this time I didn't let it blind me. I didn't get caught up in it. Instead I told him how I felt, but I also explained that it means nothing. I told him that we should talk. I asked him to explain his side and how he felt. I can sum up his explanation for the way he treated me in five sentences: "I didn't want to be over-stressed. I deal with that at work. So, I dropped everything and acted like I didn't care. If we're not married it will just be the same thing over and over again. It's not like i'm coming home to you." Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

After hearing that I kindly explained to him (in words that I believe were far too nice) that he was full of shit. I began by explaining that he never took me into consideration. He was overwhelmed with work and our relationship, but he never talked to me. He just decided to drop everything like I meant nothing. Quite honestly, I feel that since he could drop everything so easily I didn't mean anything at all to him. So, how dare he comeback now and say he's still in love with me and that he misses me. In a relationship you are supposed to talk things through and make decisions together. One person can't make all of the decisions, drop the relationship, then try to pick it back up when it's convenient for them. 

And for him to not be able to deal with distance? The nerve of him! I dealt with him while he was in Japan. I told him we could work through our relationship when he cheated on me! I worked through every ounce of mistreatment that we faced! But he can't handle me staying home to finish school because he wants me there with him?!? He can kiss my ass. It's not enough that after I would graduate that I would be with him. Going everywhere with him, uprooting my entire life for him and his precious career in the military. Yet, he can't deal with letting me stay home and finish school. Like, he seriously can't grasp that finishing school would be my only accomplishment. I'm already getting my degrees for no reason. I wouldn't be able to use them because I would be going from place to place with him being his wife-in-tow.

So you could understand my being upset right now. How can one person be so selfish and self-centered? I really just don't understand.

And the worst part of it all? My mom sides with him...I mean taking into consideration what she said, I could be a little nicer. But I don't know. I just feel like I would already be sacrificing so much. Why can't I just have this one thing? She says I can finish college anywhere, but I worked hard to get into (and stay in) the college i'm at. My mom, though, she makes me feel like i'm being the selfish one. I mean everything for him is "in the now" he really doesn't have time to waste when I think about it. BUT, he won't talk to me neither. He has yet to respond to any of my messages, and i've sent plenty in reply to all he said to me. I just...I don't know what to do. My heart says "go get my missing piece" and my mind says "Finish school". I'm at a crossroads and I don't know which direction to take nor what directions I have to choose from (since he won't reply).

Well...I need to get some sleep guys.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Not Good.

So I have a problem. This new guy i'm seeing- he's basically perfect. The problem? I hate being put second before anything. It's not his fault. He needs to study. I understand that. I support that 100%, but I don't like it. It annoys me and pisses me off to no ends. Why? I don't know for sure, but I think it has something to do with my last relationship. I hated having to come second (and sometimes third) to absolutely everything. I don't know, being made to come second to stuff kind of brings back that feeling of not being wanted. Like i'm being tossed to the side, because he's bored. I know with all my heart that this has nothing to do with nor does it pertain to this new guy in any kind of way, but the feeling is still there. It scares me and it hurts. I can't help it.

I am also pretty nervous around him. I have very low confidence, sadly. Take for example today..I wanted to talk to him about where this thing with us is really going. I mean we haven't officially made any decisions. We just hang out and talk to each other a lot. Nothing serious. I want to know what he expects/wants out of it. My confidence level peaked 10 minutes after I told him I wanted to talk. It has now been 4+ hours since then and he still expects me to want to talk. I have no desire whatsoever to talk to him now. I have no confidence. I don't know what to say. I don't know how he will react/respond. I am not prepared for this.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Just Keep Swimming

So peoples...I have given up on one endeavor and started on a new one. I must say, this new guy is pretty sweet. I like talking to him and getting to know him. We've decided to start spending more time together outside of everyday social settings. It sounds pretty decent, but we shall see how it goes. I can't say that i'm really hoping for anything in particular. I'm trying not to get my hopes up (nor put all my eggs in one basket) just in case. Everything has been going pretty great for me so far. I must say I am pretty happy right now. Happier than I have been in the past few months. Hopefully I can keep this good balance of things in my life that I have going on right now. I haven't really had to deal with much stress this semester. I honestly can't really complain. I have even been keeping a decent friendship going with my ex (Guy F).

I have learned not to dwell on things from the past. It took a little while, but I finally learned. I feel like I am continuing my growth as a person. I know stressful events will come and go, but I have really learned to just keep pushing through. I have more faith in myself than I used to, and I have a better concept of hope.  I used to say hope and dreams were stupid. Now though, I see it differently. Hopes and dreams are just a means to reaching your goals. So like Dory said "Just keep swimming!" [This is my mantra for now and always! Lol.] Well that's a tid bit of how my life is going right now..

Oh yeah..i'm going on a trip soon! Woo hooo! That mini-vacation will be uberly exciting and fun! Well this is all I have for now. I will write again soon. I promise!

Until next time....

-Signed,

Love

Totally Saw It

You guys...I totally saw it. Dude definitely likes me. It was written all over his face and in his eyes. Read him like a book. Now I just gotta figure out how to handle this situation. Decisions...the evil of everyday life.

I kinda want to say something, but then again I kinda want to see how it will play out. Maybe it will be good for me. I never know. I need to start making myself open to more options.

[A few days later...]

Okay, so last week I definitely thought I saw the attraction. This week i'm not so sure. It's like I see it, but i'm not sure who else dude is after. I don't do the whole fighting for attention thing. Either you're interested or you're not. Regardless though, I have decided to friend zone him in a major way. I don't care how attracted to him I am. I can't do it. We can be just friends. We have pretty good conversations. I can deal with that.  I don't want him. I just like talking to him. There's an attraction,  but it's not all that serious.

Although, we did have a drunk texting session where he hinted at a possible inkling of feelings for me. He was just too nervous to ask.  He said he wasn't drunk enough to ask. Shame. I would have liked to known what he was thinking..

So, that is said and done. I will post again later.  I have been doing some deep thinking and have come to a few conclusions.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Inner Battles

So I Facebook stalk myself alot, but only to look at my pictures. I am not very confident in myself. I don't feel pretty. I mean some people think i'm pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, etc. but personally, I don't feel like i'm all that. I don't think I look that great. I mean sure, I'm pretty decent, but nothing to fawn over. I really hate when people do that. I'm a regular person just like them. I guess this goes back to when I was younger and all everyone ever said about me was how pretty I was at the time. Ehh, it's complicated. You would think that with all the compliments I get I could keep a decent boyfriend. NOPE.

My inability to keep a decent boyfriend has also somewhat contributed to this. With every break-up, every rejection I always wondered if it was me. Was I not pretty enough? Was I not good enough? I always tried to figure out what was wrong with me. I figured that I had to be the problem if every guy I dated treated me the same way. Every guy always had another girl on the side. So I always thought I did something wrong. There was something about me that drove guys to treat me that way.

That's how I USED to think.

Now, now I just feel that guys make dumb decisions and my Mr. Right is still somewhere lost as am I. I hope we find each other soon.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Update on Friendship

I lied. I think I just want to keep things at friendship level. We will be better off as friends. What I thought were old feelings may not have been feelings. Or maybe they were? Either way, I am not pursuing anything with my ex. I am content with just being his friend from a distance and checking up on him. I need to move on with my life. There are so many other better guys out there. I need to stop limiting myself to this one. 

On the other hand I am glad that I mustered up the courage to talk to him. It really helped me. I can't exactly explain how, but I feel better. I don't want another relationship with him. I do not want to repeat what we had, but I do like to know how he is doing. So, a friendship it shall remain. I'm hoping the friendship isn't strained or forced. I just want it to kind of float back to how it was before we dated. We were great friends. I hope we can have that again.

As much as I would love to continue this post, I am extremely tired and I need to go to sleep. I will post more later though. I promise. I have two things I need to write about, and whatever else pops up tomorrow.

Until next time....

-Signed,

Love 

A Step Towards Friendship?

You guys, I did it. I sent him a message and checked on him. It hurt so much, but it still made me happy inside. I was surprised that he answered, but I was also sooo excited and happy that he did answer. I was dying to know how he was doing. I have been wanting to check on him for some weeks now. It felt good to talk to him. We have agreed to be friends and to keep in touch. I don't know what to expect, and I don't really know how to talk to him right now. I am going to try though. I'm hoping we can work things out and fix us. I know that's pretty far fetched and a little dumb considering our history, but I still have feelings for him so I have to try. Wish me luck guys.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

It Still Hurts

So I thought about messaging Guy F to tell him I was ready to be friends, and of course curiosity killed the cat. I went to look at his profile page. I don't know what I was thinking. I wanted to see how he was doing, but I came across something. Before looking at his profile it never occurred to me that maybe he moved on. Well the thought definitely occurred as I was looking at his profile. Gaahhhh, it hurt. It hurt more than I wanted it to. I guess i'm still not ready to be his friend although I really want to be. I guess that I just don't want to lose him completely. I still want him in my life even if it is as a friend. I still care about him. I'm hopeless.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Never Ever

You guys..I feel like i'm never good enough, i'm never enough for any guy. This feeling has brought me to the conclusion that my confidence is shot. I used to be pretty sure of myself. Secure enough to think I could get the guy I wanted, but i'm not so sure anymore. I'm also scared to try. I don't want to take that leap of faith. So there's this guy, let's call him X. I have been flirting with X for a few weeks. I'm not really sure where I was hoping to get with it, but I did it. It seemed to work. He flirted back. After flirting with him for a while, I decided that I would only try to be his friend. (Yes, low self-esteem kicked in here.) I mean yes, i'm attracted to him, but I wasn't sure of myself. Well, despite all of my unsureness and low self-esteem I decided to invite him to come study with me. I mean it seemed innocent enough. It's studying. No flirting overtones or undertones. Just simply studying together, maybe a little talking. Nothing serious. He said sure, but he never replied when I suggested a time and place. I don't know why. I'm trying not to read too much into it. I mean it's whatever, but it still shot my self-esteem a bit more. I mean i'm pretty sure he has girls knocking down his door. No need to waste time on me. I kind of expected it.

Gahh...I really need to work on this. As I type i'm inwardly fighting with myself to have more confidence. So hard...I am seriously my worst and hardest critic. I don't think anyone could criticize me more than I criticize myself. I'm supposed to be studying and i'm sitting here basically having an argument with myself. On the plus side, my playlist is freaking AWESOME! Lol, just thought I would throw that in there. Seriously though guys, I have to work on myself esteem. I used to be so sure of myself. Nothing could make me doubt myself. I feel like who I used to be is in pieces and a weak, crappy version is taking over. I really need to get myself together.

But it's not like I always feel like that. Only when guys are concerned. Other than that, i'm fine. I have no problems. I'm pretty happy. My life is going pretty good at the moment. I have no other complaints. Just improvements I need to make in myself. Well...I need to read these chapters if I plan on being a better student this academic year.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

What Friends?

I told you guys in my last post that I didn't have any friends. Truth is I BARELY have friends, and it's not because I am some horrible person. Let's start off generally...Virtually most of my friends are guys. Very few of them are actual true friends. Most of them have or have had a crush on me. The ones who have or have had crushes on me are the ones who never stick around for long. It usually goes along the lines of "I can't be your friend with these feelings." yadda yadda yah, bullshit. The others, which is actually only 2 (maybe 3), are my friends til the end. Even if they've had a crush on me. They are great friends. We talk pretty often, but we hardly hang out.

Now let's get to the females. I usually don't have many female friends. I've never been able to get into the whole gossip and talk about other people thing. I don't really care about what other people do or say unless it directly affects me. I've always been somewhat of a tomboy, BUT I do have this one friend. She is honestly my only best female friend. She is honestly and truly a great friend to me. No matter what we have been through she has always been there for me.

The other so called best friend I had is no more. She doesn't know what true friendship is. All she did was talk shit about me behind my back. Flirt with my boyfriend (at the time) and try to talk to him behind my back. Then she ups and leaves without a word. No thank you or anything after I let her move in with me. She left to go stay with her "boyfriend". AND to top it all off she blew off our plans that we made weeks prior for him. I'm sorry, but she needs to do better. If I ever dated an older man he would not still be living with his mom. No sir, but i'm not going to get into that. The point is she hurt me and our friendship is over. I can't do it. I can't be that person who lets so called friends treat them any kind of way.

But yes...this is why I have few and very limited friends. I try to make new friends, but that's a different story for another post. I shall return soon. The semester has started and I have tons of homework. Bleehhh.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Dear John

So I finally watch Dear John last night, and I must say that movie is something else. It really does capture the nature of military relationships beautifully, BUT I didn't like it. It hit too close to home for me. I'm sure the book is better than the movie. It's probably excellent. I wouldn't read it though.

As I was watching the movie, I realized  I did not want to become like the characters in that movie. I don't want to force myself to ignore the feelings I have for my ex. Yes, they still linger. Do I intend to act upon them? No, but they are there. I don't know if they will ever leave. Could I move on? I meet guys pretty often..I probably could, but it would be hard. It would be hard to find someone who could catch my heart again. Make me feel any ounce of emotion again. I mean I will try, but nothing is promised.

I'm sorry guys for the haphazard posts. I have been trying to get prepared for the fall semester. I will be taking 17 hours worth of classes and working 20 hours a week. (Bummer!) But I promise to continue to write. It's really the only thing I have these days. I hardly have friends. (Long story that I will be sure to post about later tonight.)

I am about to go eat and continue to contemplate on my thoughts and feelings. I really need to get myself together. Right when I thought everything was alright and that I was getting back to my old self, I realize that I am wrong. I am very wrong to think that. Bleehhh, I will return!

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Closer, Stronger

"One day closer, One day stronger."

You guys....that motto used to hold so much significance for me. I lived by those words. Those words were what carried me daily. They meant more than you could ever imagine to me. Now? Now, they hurt. They are a constant reminder that we actually got weaker with every day. One day closer to it all falling through.

Now when I see the other girls basically eating those words, living and breathing by them, I just kind of feel out of place. Don't get me wrong. I have come to respect and appreciate those girls as if they were my own family, but being in the midst of everything that they still have just makes me feel worse. I don't want to be apart of it anymore. I want distance. Distance from everything that is military. Distance from everything that reminds me of him.

I need to withdraw from it all. Clean myself up. I need to go back to regular old me. The one who can go through a break up and survive. The one who doesn't dwell on fantasies and what could have been's. I don't know how to get there. I don't know where to start. Talking to a new guy probably won't help, but gosh they are so tempting. I think the temptation lies within the fact that I would temporarily forget. Or maybe I am just searching for a replacement. Someone to fill the void. Give me back that feeling.

Oh great....now I am in search of a feeling that I will probably never get back. Each love is different. Each relationship and the emotions experienced are different. I believe that with everything in me. So, why am I in search of something I will never find again? I have got to be the most confused and confusing person ever.

Well I have finally come to the conclusion that something is wrong with me and I have issues! Okay. I need to write this paper. I will post again very soon!

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Overwhelmed

Okay you guys..so I think that maybe, just maybe I am tired of the whole "relationship" cycle. I think I really want to just focus on what I am going to do after I graduate from college. I mean...i'm getting pretty old here. I need a game plan. I've already spent enough time wallowing in the hell pit of love.

Let's face it. I'm still miserable. I know it. You know it. Everyone knows it. This guy consumes every ounce of my thoughts. The "What if" thoughts, the "I need to move on" thoughts, just every single thing you could possibly imagine. I feel pitiful that this still consumes me. I mean it's not as bad, but it's still there. That's my problem.

The amount of stupidity I feel for still being hung up on this cannot be described. It eats away at me, but I cannot help it. I feel like one of those crazily obsessed girls who can't move on because they're too involved and emotionally attached. Like seriously, how do you fix it? I mean of course you somewhat get over it and accept/realize that it's over and done with, but you can never really just get rid of the feeling. The emotions. They stay with you, and that sucks. It sucks so much. To top it all off, I don't even really necessarily want him back. I just always think about what if and what I think should have been.

I'm not even entirely sure that I want it per se. I just want to know what could have been. Yeah, I know. That will be my downfall. It's true. It will be, and it has been thus far. It just eats away at me. I mean I have somewhat moved on. I have Guy E. He's the sweetest guy I could hope for and I love him more than I let on. He's wonderful. I could easily be with him for the rest of my ever, but I right now I still have that "what if" in the back of my mind.

I should get over it eventually, right? It will just disappear one day on its own. I will just forget. Well not necessarily forget, but it won't bother me anymore. I will be fully and 100% over it. That will be a great day. I think what I mostly need right now is a distraction. A very good distraction. Or a change. Yeah a change...

While I brainstorm on a change to make, I will also get ready to run my errands for the remainder of the day. I will post again soon. I promise!

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Mini Update...For Now

So, quick post before I go to work.

I am doing great! I feel better. Think i'm finally getting over my sickness. Here's what's been running through my mind since my last REAL post.

Let's start with Guy E. We have still been hanging out pretty consistently. I'm not really sure what direction it's headed, but for now I like the company. I think he likes the company as well. There's no real attachment or commitment. Just hanging out. It's nice. Although we both have jealousy streaks form time to time. It's a complicated situation. One that I probably shouldn't be in, but hey...i'm young, let me live. At least with Guy E I kind of know what to expect. Sad, but true. I like hanging out with Guy E. He makes me happy, and we have a lot in common. It's just that when we get into talking about the future...i'm not exactly sure about how that would work. I mean we're good together for the moment, but i'm not sure about long term. He's too indecisive and so am I.

Earlier today while cleaning out my email I ran over some old messages from Guy F. I don't think I have ever been more sick and disgusted in my life. Those messages brought me pain, then nostalgia. It pissed me off to read the lies. Then it hurt because I didn't have it anymore. I mean I cannot deny that loving him was an experience. (And that's where nostalgia kicked in.) It brought me so much knowledge and I learned so much about myself. Yes, somewhere deep down I wish it all could have worked out for us, but i'm better now. I have fully accepted everything that happened and I have come to terms with it (somewhat).

I guess somewhere deep down inside I will always have feelings for him and think about what could have been. I will not dwell on it though. I have learned to love and let go. Not everything is what I need, merely what I want. I think I just want that feeling back. I'm scared that I will never experience anything like it again. I mean I know that it is very well possible that I could, but it also very possible that I could not. Like seriously, what if I never find something that great again? For me good things only come once. I don't have the best of luck with everything.

On another note, I feel that within the past few weeks of being engrossed in my thoughts and being sick, I have grown as a person. I think I became just a little bit wiser. Well I must go now. I still have a paper to write, a quiz to finish, and a dinner date with my best friend! =)

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

I'm Back

Sorry I haven't been posting much. I've been thinking a lot, and besides that I had gotten sick. Been sick for about a week. I bet you're wondering how my time away has been? Welp, that's why i'm writing! :)

I've been contemplating my feelings, but they aren't as bothersome right now. What is really burning my insides at the moment is the fact that I can't find my remote control to my tv. I am so thoroughly angry that it's not even funny. I will return after I find my remote! And yes I will return with lots of things to write!

Until next time....

-Signed, 

Love

Awkward...Very Awkward

Well ladies and gentlemen, I did it. I have officially been in the most awkward, uncomfortable situation ever. I don't even know how to begin to explain this...I guess I should start at Friday.

So when I got off work Friday, I was checking my phone and saw I had a facebook message. I assumed it was from the person I usually always facebook message every day. Wrong. It was my ex, Guy F, saying he accepted my apology. The apology I made a couple of weeks ago for being mean to him. He also made it clear to me that he was in town for the weekend. I figured that since he was throwing the fact that he was home for the weekend in the message that he wanted to see me. Call me overzealous or too nice, either way I told him we could go to lunch if he wanted. He said it was fine with him. I asked for specifics, like time, place,all that good stuff. He said it was up to me, gave me total control over the situation like he didn't want to overstep his boundaries. At the time it was weird that he was being so compliant, but I understand now. Anyways, as soon as we set up the specifics, I regretted my decision to try to be nice and oblige his desire to see me. Now let's skip to the actual lunch thing which was the next day (Saturday) at 1pm...

When he got to the place I didn't wave, say hi, smile nor anything. I kind of waited for him to get out of his car. Then we went inside. I ordered my food, then he ordered his food. We barely talked before we sat down. When we did sit down we had a few moments of awkward silence. Then we slowly began an awkwardly forced somewhat conversation. The conversation was basically him telling me about his life so far. He told me he has to get surgery and that he gets deployed in March. I was surprised to hear these things while he was telling me, but I tried not to show any facial expressions.It seemed as though he was paying very close attention to me while telling me these things, searching for a glimpse that I still care I suppose. Other than that, he could barely look at me. I tried to talk to him,but I was very uncomfortable and I don't know why. He could barely look at me and I didn't want to spend too much time looking at him either.

Needless to say, it wasn't the best decision i've made in my life. There's definitely still some kind of tension between us. On another note. Today as I was contemplating everything that transpired (and didn't transpire) between us, something clicked: He's getting deployed in March. Now a close friend of mine told me that you usually find out a year to six months in advance that you're being deployed. Think about it...the timeline works perfectly with when he started pushing me away and ignoring me. Now this is only a hypothesis, but it is a very plausible and good hypothesis. Upon realizing that he deploys in March, I feel like he started pushing me away. Solely focusing on deployment. Trying to keep me away from the worrying and everything that comes with deployment. Now I won't know this for sure unless I ask him, but it all makes sense. Perfect sense. It explains why he couldn't look at me, why he treated me so badly. I'm telling you guys..it is a very perfect explanation to everything. Perfect, but I have yet to find out if any of it is true.

Of course,this doesn't mean I necessarily want him back. I just kind of want to know if that is the reason why. Alas, I have to go you guys. I need to wash my hair.

Until next time....

-Signed,

Love 

There's Always More Than One Reason

Aha! Second part of the problem? I already had the marriage mentality- If something is wrong you fix it. You don't leave. I was prepared to conquer any problem we faced. I was prepared to forgive and move on. Which I did a lot, now that I think about it. Every wrong he committed, I stuck by his side and we worked through it. I guess in retrospect I should thank him for not wanting to fix our relationship.

He knew he would continue treating me badly. He also knew that I was very committed to our relationship and would try to work through anything. He didn't want to keep taking advantage of me. So, right now in this moment I thank him. I thank Guy F for seeing what I couldn't. He really did me a favor. Now I have the opportunity to find someone who will appreciate me for everything I am and treat me like the Queen I deserve to be treated like. I mean...I think i'm a pretty friggin awesome girlfriend. 

Well I have a final in the morning. I will post some more tomorrow. Goodnight everyone!

Until next time....

-Signed,

Love

Understanding

So...I know what my problem was, why I was so attached to Guy F. We had something amazing. Great relationship. The problem was that we had gotten so deep into the relationship, planning our futures together that my present life was shaped around our future plans. I was set to graduate on time so that I could go be with him after graduation. I was looking at law schools in California. I was looking for jobs close to where he is stationed now. Like, my whole present day life was revolved around our future. Our plans were so close to the present that I had already begun to change my life. I was ready to go be a military wife. Then, all of a sudden it all changed. In the blink of an eye my whole world was upside down. Discussing it now, the situation sounds extremely sad and pitiful. Before you judge me though, let me explain..

When you're in a relationship with someone in the military and you plan to be with them for the rest of your life or even an extended period of time, your life changes. Yours, not theirs. They are in the military. Their life is already basically being controlled by someone else. You have to adjust your life to work with theirs. That is if you want to live with them, which in that case means you're going to be married. You have to be prepared to move at any time to any place. So you must always have a passport because you very well could be sent out of the country. You must be prepared to not see them at all hours of the day. You could only see them two hours out of every day, once a week, or even once a year. Their job and where they have to be depends on how much time you actually get to spend with them. You have to be independent (clearly) the relationship will not survive if you're too dependent upon them. You have to be able to function by yourself. These are just some of the basics, but you should be able to understand.

That life, the life of a military wife, is the life I was prepared for. I didn't actually plan on pursuing my career fully until he was done with the service. I was accustomed to not speaking to him every day and not seeing him very often. And to have it all taken away in the blink of an eye was almost nearly like having culture shock. I couldn't just automatically revert back to a completely civilian relationship lifestyle. Like now, I don't like talking to a guy every single day simply because I never talked to Guy F every single day. I don't want to see a guy all the time. I'm used to the military relationship style. It's going to take a while for me to revert back to civilian relationships. It wasn't a quick and easy transition to military. I doubt it will be quick and easy back to civilian. I need time.

Well I have to go to work now. I will try to post again later. Have a great day everyone!

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Slowly Progressing

As each day passes by it gets a bit easier. I forget and let go a little more each day. I'm actually proud of myself. I thought I would never actually get over it. Like I would be in love alone forever. Well i'm not, so ha! I did it..well i'm doing it. I'm getting over it. No regrets. No looking back. Each day becomes a little bit easier. I feel that I can do it now and never have regrets. Nor will I have any of the "What if.." moments. I can honestly say i'm starting to feel better. I hope this feeling isn't one of those temporary short lived ones either.

Also in today's news: Guess who i've been hanging out with again..[insert Guy E]. Yep, one of my favorite people to have random conversations with. Guy E has found his way back into my daily life. Our new pastimes are going to the movies and going out to eat. The funniest part?- He won't let me pay for anything. We're not together, but he treats it as if we're on a date. Sometimes I can sneak and pay for my own things, but most times he beats me to it. I think he's trying to make up for being a shitty boyfriend while we were together. Or he could still have feelings for me...both are very plausible. He tries to shower me with things. I always shoot him down though. He says I hurt his feelings when I do that, but we are not together and i'm not trying to get attached to him again. I will not let any feelings try to come creeping back. Besides, I can't deal with another relationship right now.

I am so over the whole relationship thing at the moment. I kind of just want to chill and get my life together. I've been thinking about adding some minors to my majors. I really want a minor in English and for the second one...maybe Math or Political Science. I don't know, i'm still on the wall about it. Well this is all the time I have today. I need to study for my final on Wednesday.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Friends Day

So I'm trying this whole "hanging out with friends" thing today and so far i've cracked my phone screen messing with one of my friend's dog. I've also been called ghetto/ratchet because of the high school I graduated from. And to top it all off, one of my close friends really thinks I want to hear about her problems and her new boyfriend (or whatever he is). I honestly don't care. Relationships are a sore spot for me right now. I don't want to hear how great it's going, how he proposed, about your wedding. Nor do I want to hear about how bad it's going, how he's cheating on you...none of it. I don't care right now. I'm sorry. I love you. You're my friend, but I have my own problems and no one to complain to (not like I want to complain to anyone. I know that shhh gets annoying). Not that I don't care about you or anything...I just don't care right now. Okay, enough of my whining. I have very important things to do today.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Hidden Desires

Every time I hear someone talking about being engaged or having their wedding soon I begin to feel this achy feeling. It's like I become nostalgic and hurt all at the same time. I'm not fairing well. It seems like with every corner I turn there is something that reminds me of him. I can go maybe a day or two without thinking about it, but then something creeps up and memories flood in. I was asked by a friend (a very mean friend who never rides my routes with me!) if I was still in love. I honestly don't know. I would like to think i'm not. I hope i'm not, because if I am that is very sad on my part. I can't be the girl who can never move on. If I don't get my head together I'm going to miss what's in front of me because I can't stop looking behind me. I'm going to try to sort my thoughts out and get some clarity while i'm at work today. Hopefully I can figure some things out.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

What Could It All Mean?

I had a dream last night. I don't remember much, but the most prominent thing I do remember is a message from my ex. It said, "I'm sorry. I do understand. I understand now." I have no idea what it means. It could be that somewhere deep down inside I still want us to work or it could mean that eventually, one day (soon) he will feel what I feel. That he will be in my position. But hey, I don't know. I'm just throwing ideas around.

What I do know is that I will not be contacting him again. I can't. I went against every ounce of common sense I had the first time I contacted him. If we are to talk again I want it to be him that contacts me. Alas, I doubt that will happen. He's always been good at ignoring his feelings and pretending that he doesn't care. So good that I often wonder if he really does care, if he ever has cared. I question a lot of things where he is concerned.

The thing I question most? Where did all go wrong? Was it doomed from the start or was the catastrophe slowly developed throughout? Was it me? Did I do something wrong? Is it my fault?  Or was it just never meant to be? Was it something I forced? Did I push it too much? I guess I will always have questions and no answers. I can never seem to get answers from him, and I can't figure it out on my own.

With that all said, it is clear to me that I will always have questions and be lost. And for as long as I have been trying to let go and move on I just can't seem to accomplish it. It is a very hard task to accomplish.  One that evades me oh so well. I know that if I don't let go I will never move on and the fact that I can't let go makes me wonder if I want to move on...

Well I must go face other daily challenges and life problems. I am a working college student after all. I will post again soon.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Lost In The Woods

Besides my failing, complicated love life. My social life is pretty messy as well. I have no friends it seems. My so called best friend has effectively ditched me for her "boyfriend". All of my other "friends" have things going on. So basically in five slightly vulgar words, "My life is fucked up." In a social aspect anyway. My academic life is absolutely great right now. I'm pretty sure I should get an A in my Spanish class. Yay! Go me for having a pretty good academic life!

Bleehhh, seriously though...I need to be a bit more proactive in finding a social life. I feel like i'm in this little shell all closed off from the world. I remember a time when I felt like I was in the middle of the world. I was so happy. I felt like I had a purpose in life. I don't know when it all changed. I don't even know what i'm doing anymore nor why. I feel lost.

I should be happy. I'm graduating from my college soon with two degrees: Bachelor of Science in Psychology and Bachelor of Arts in Spanish. I should feel accomplished, right? I don't. Something is missing.  I know there's more to my life. There has to be, and I don't just mean in the aspect of my love life. But there is something missing. I feel incomplete. I don't know what it is, but I just feel so incomplete. I want to find whatever piece of me is missing and put it back into place. I want to be myself again.

So now I start a new quest. Not a quest of love, but of finding myself. I must find a way to get back to me. Back to being happy and feeling like everything will be okay, because as of yet everything feels like it's crumbling. My world is a disaster. A disaster waiting to be saved.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

A Little Unsettling

So...I told him that I wanted nothing more to do with him. I thanked him for talking to me and told him to have a nice life. Although, somewhere deep down inside of me I just feel like he will still haunt my dreams. Like, my feelings are all over the place. I don't want to put him out of my life, but at the same time I feel that it's best. I still have some feelings for him that I don't want to have. My feelings are hurt and I don't want them to be.

I think my problem is that I had so many expectations for him and he didn't fulfill any of them. He was a disappointment. I expected too much. I expected him to be more than the others. Different. That was my fault, and it was my only fault. You can't make someone be what you want them to be.

While talking to him I expected the worse. I expected him to not care. I was prepared for that. I was not prepared for the "I miss you" route. Not at all. Neither was I prepared for his excuses. I should have been, but I wasn't. Contacting him opened a can of worms that I wasn't ready to open and that I wish I had kept closed. It probably would have been best for us both.

He acted like he had so much remorse and felt so bad for how he treated me. I know he didn't. If he had, he would have contacted me first. Not the other way around. As I sit here thinking about it all, I realize just how awful he was for/to me. I could definitely probably do better. If I ever feel up to the grueling task of seriously dating again.

Anyways, back to the subject matter at hand. I've removed him from my life- or at least I told him I wanted nothing to do with him. I'm still trying to figure out if it was a lie. I mean, in all honesty, I only said it because I felt like he was never going to reply to my message. So I felt no need to continue waiting for one only to get my hopes up for nothing.

Well I have to run some errands and go to work. I'll try to post again later.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

12 Calming Hours Later...

So, after the argument when I had calmed down a little bit. I tried to be nice and talk it out with him. Of course he never replied as I figured he wouldn't. I could tell during the argument that it was nothing more than a moment of nostalgia. That was the only reason he replied. He doesn't miss me. He doesn't love me. Never did. I'm okay with it now though. I'm so over it. I was afraid though, while we were arguing. I was afraid because we sounded exactly like my two best friends did before they got back together and got married. I do not want to marry that guy. No. I don't want to marry him just because we both felt a little nostalgic. There would be no real basis. No real love. While my best friends are actually in love with each other. This guy and I would not be good together. Not at all. The relationship was one-sided. A marriage would be even worse. Like a personal hell for the person that actually cares (me). Gahh, i'm so glad that I am finally able to let this whole ordeal with him go. Not that i'm not hurt or anything. For a second I was upset and hurt that he didn't bother to reply, but now i'm fine and hey, guess what- I am definitely seeing sleep in my future tonight!!!! Yeah, yeah, yeah! *Does rockstar-diva dance*

On another note: I hung out with the new guy today. He and his mom helped me with my Spanish. Although he still makes it a point to call me "Buddy". It's not like I necessarily want him anyway. He has his own issues he needs to resolve. I don't care how cute and sweet he is...He needs to get his life in order. I am mad though. You can never find a good, cute guy. Something is always wrong with them. Either they're too into themselves, they're abusive, their life is nearly in shambles, or (for the straight girls) they're gay (for the gay guys they're straight). Yeah...life sucks. Karma is a brat. Blah blah blah yaddah yaddah yahh...Okay I need to get some sleep I have an important quiz in the AM. Goodnight peoples!!!

Until next time....

-Signed,

Love

I Am About To Explode

The nerve of this little spit licker! So I breakdown and talk to him because I want to sleep, (Which, by the way, I still did not get- woke up every hour)  and this ballsack replies and says he misses me! Like seriously? You fucking miss me now? Not when I was trying to save us, but now when I have given up and tried to move on. No. Screw you sir. I do not want to hear your explanations. I do not want to know how your life is going I don't care. I seriously cannot believe he tried to explain himself. The time to fight and advocate for our love was months ago before I gave up. Not now because you feel nostalgic that I contacted you when all I really and honestly wanted was sleep. It was eating away at me and I couldn't sleep. I've had a grand total of 15 hours worth of sleep the past two months and you want to play with my emotions now? No. Go away.

I am seriously so angry right now I could contemplate choking the little heifer. I tried so hard to keep our relationship intact. He did not try at all. He just let me go. Easily. But now, now he misses me? I wanted to cry when I read that bs. He already hurt me. Twice. I'll be damned if it happens again. I don't want a friendship, acquaintanceship, any kind of relationship whatsoever with him. I want a separation from everything associated with him, and I want to forget he exists. I don't want to love him. I don't want to miss him. I want to not know what he is, who he is, what he looks like, or anything. You can't love and miss me, but then not even want to fight for me. So screw you and have a nice life. I'm so angry right now. I need to go for a walk. I need to calm down. Take deep breaths...blah blah blah

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Something I Have To Do

Despite how much I really want to hate Guy F, I still need to talk to him. I know this. I'm pretty sure that the reason I can't fully and completely move on is deep rooted into our so-called "relationship". Just the thought of him makes my stomach turn though..My stomach is all "Nuh-Uh Girl, Don't go there!" All sassy like and stuff. But I can't help it. It's eating away at me. Usually I would try to pretend he doesn't exist, but I can't. He's in my dreams. He consumes my thoughts. It's like my subconscious is eating away at me to get me to talk to him or something,but I DON'T WANT TO. I want to leave that hatchet buried. Or halfway buried. Whatever. I don't want to do it, but I cannot sleep. I do not know what to do! I can't handle the rejection again. I can't. It'll be like an extra slap to the face. Eventually I will cave in and talk to him. Eventually. Then maybe I will cheer up and stop being so whiny in all my posts. (This is soooo off topic, but I really need to brighten this thing up. It's so gloomy.) Well I must be off!

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love 

Love Lost?

Since my last failed relationship, which we all know scarred me for a while, I haven't really been able to put myself back into the dating limbo. Well, at least until I tried recently. Even though I tried, I realized that for some reason I just can't seem to muster up any emotion. Nor can I muster up the same passion and drive for relationships that I used to have. So, I have begun to wonder: "Has my passion for love diminished? Have I let go of the one thing that all humans crave for?" I'm beginning to think that the answer is yes. Why, you ask? Because I can't seem to find any genuine feelings inside of me for any guy it seems like.I just can't. I feel hollow, like an empty nothingness. Is it because there is unfinished business somewhere in my life? Or maybe I need to look elsewhere? I just don't understand. I feel like my love life is in shambles. The bright side? I'm actually getting my personal life somewhat into place. Well I have Spanish homework to do. I will try to write again later.

Until next time....

-Signed,

Love

Probably Just Friends

   So I have been talking to this new guy. It started out okay, but I think we would probably only ever be really great friends. I can't see anything past that. I mean he's a great guy. We get along well, but i'm not his type. And that, I cannot do again. I can't be what someone wants, but not be what they want at the same time. It will never work. I can't deal with it again. I wasn't what the last guy wanted. I wasn't his type. I'm not this guy's type. I will always be small. I will never weigh more than 120 pounds. Not any time soon at least. I will always be small. It's in my genetics. That can't change. I can't be darker. I can't have a rounder face or really long hair. I am what I am. I am a simple 5'4, brown eyes, shoulder length hair, size 3 frame. I don't see that changing any time soon. You get what you see. I don't understand why guys want so much. I may not have the ideal body type for their liking, but I am a great person. I want to help the world, change it even, if I can. I always help someone in need. I have the sweetest personality. Well at least I have heard these things from other people. I am a very humbled person. I don't try to play myself up or anything. Yet, i'm never enough. I mean of course i'm enough for someone out there, but right now in this current moment...no. So I have opted to be his friend. Yeah, I know..I shouldn't give up before I have even tried, but it's pretty clear to me what his type is and i'm not it. Well, I must go now. Hopefully there will be more to develop in this story. Whether as friends or more.

Until next time....

-Signed,

Love

 

Bad Day

     So I have all this pent up anger at guys. Not all guys...or maybe all guys, but mostly the ones i've dealt with. They've done nothing but be very awful examples of what a boyfriend is supposed to be. I don't even know if I could maintain a healthy relationship. I would try. I would try my best...but would it work? I don't know. I'm having a hard time staying level-headed with this new guy I like....

   For example, today we were having a conversation. A really good one actually. I was enjoying it. Until one point in the conversation when he told me not to flatter myself. He was joking. I know this, but the statement made me think of all of the guys who were just literally slimy little pieces of no good creatures. I got sooo angry. Nearly every guy i've ever been with has cheated on me. Sure they told me all kinds of loving and sweet things. They gave me compliments all the time, and I made the mistake of letting it flatter me. Why was it a mistake? Because they go on to the next girl and say the exact same things. None of it is genuine. They would say/do anything and everything to make me feel special and loved, but they still did the same thing to and for other girls. They didn't mean it, and that's when I learned: It doesn't matter how pretty nor how good of a girlfriend you are, they will still cheat on you and say/do the same things to another chick. So why, after all of those bad experiences would I let ANYTHING flatter me? No. Nothing flatters me. You want me to be flattered? Say or do something and actually mean it. Don't run off to the next chick and do the same things for her.

   Okay, yeah...so clearly it pushed a button. It still does. And I felt so bad for being mean to him. He's such a sweet guy, but I messed up. He did nothing to me. So taking into account my blow up I decided to ask him to just be friends with me. Apparently that's all I need. But yeah...bad day, i'm messing up any chance I even had with the guy. He probably thinks I have a million issues. Hopefully things get better...

Until next time....

-Signed,

Love

Just Maybe..

Ugh..idk what to do! I'm highly attracted to this guy I met. He's so freaking adorable! I don't know what to say to him though. I think I already messed up and said the wrong thing, but I don't know how to fix it. I'm extremely attracted to him though. I haven't actually wanted to date or get to know someone since Guy F, so I don't want to let this go by. I never thought i'd actually be into anyone else. 

It could just be lust though...I mean the guy is H-O-T! I'm gonna contemplate on whether or not I should pursue this. Wait, what am I saying? No i'm not. I'm gonna go for it. I'm already cooking up a plan to try to talk to him. I've haven't been this excited in a long time! I actually feel kind of happy!

Wish me luck! 

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Daily Thoughts

This post is written as a letter to Guy F. I've had a lot on my mind so just bear with me please.

I think about us everyday. I want to talk to you. Just to get closure I guess. I don't want you back. No, i'm over it. I think I can honestly say that. I still don't know what I would do if I ever ran into you. Will I walk away? Will I walk past as if I don't see you? Will I speak to you? I wonder about these things every day. For a time I wanted us to try to work things out, but now...now i'm fine.

I don't need you. We don't need to talk. I'm okay. I don't like you.  I feel like I hate you. I could honestly care less about what you're doing or if you're doing well. I'm over it. And i'm happy that I can finally say it. So fuck off forever. I never want to hear from you again. 

Goodbye!

-There was so much more I could and wanted to write but I think that suffices. Well, enough of Guy F. On to other conquests!

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

The Most Difficult Thing...

You know, out of all of my relationships the most difficult and the most painful break up was Guy F. It took time and it also took self will. Self will to want to get over it and move on. Self will to somewhat forgive him and accept that the relationship was over. It took even more to accept the fact that I could not fix it. Everything cannot be fixed. I was hurt like never before. It hurt me very deeply, but I got through it. The thought of it still brings me some grief at times, but I am fine. "I am fine". I had to (and sometimes I still do) tell myself that everyday. Those words kept me going. As I write this, the pain dissipates. I will always have this nagging feeling inside of me though. At least until I finally find the courage to talk to him. Let him know i'm okay and there are no hard feelings. I'm not ready yet though, but if he were to contact me first before I became ready I would talk to him...or at least try my best to find something to say to him. Well I must leave now. I'll post again later.  Soo...

Until next time....

-Signed,

Love

So, What Have I Learned?

Each guy was an experience and a lesson. I gained valuable wisdom and knowledge from them all.

Guy A: Guy A taught me that everything is not what it seems. He killed the naivety in me. He taught me that people can and will lie to me. Guys want what they want, and some of them want too much. He was also my first practice at undercover work and revenge.

Guy B: Guy B taught me that while someone may seem nice, there is always something lying underneath the exterior. He also taught me that sometimes I have to stick up for myself and  hold my own ground.

Guy C: I learned a good bit from Guy C. I learned that insecurities lie within everyone. He also taught me that it's best to not have everyone in the middle of your relationship. With Guy C I learned how rumors and lies can destroy a perfectly good relationship. 

Guy D: With Guy D, I learned what it's like to be on the other side of the heartbreak. Although I didn't cheat on him nor do him wrong in any kind of way, I did feel the guilt and regret of hurting someone. 

Guy E: I learned some very important things from Guy E. I learned how personal problems (injuries, state of mind, etc.. things like that) can really affect a relationship. I learned that someone can be in a relationship and be confused as to what they wanted. I also got a taste of modern day racism. I don't know if I mentioned it, but he and I were of different races. His family didn't mind. They knew what he liked and they accepted it. My family accepted him. 

Guy F: Not all that glitters is gold. You can be as in love as you want to be, but that doesn't guarantee anything. You can try as hard as you want to make a relationship work, but it doesn't have to work. A relationship takes work from two people. You both have to give your all. Just because you think of or even plan a wedding, even if there is a proposal, NOTHING is promised, and after it all falls through the only thing you can do is get over it and move on. Getting over it is hard and moving on is even harder, but you can do it. These are things I learned from Guy F.

Would I date any of them again? - I can definitely say no to the ones that I probably will never see again and the ones that I have no feelings for whatsoever. That still leaves a few up in the air for question though. I would honestly love to say no for them all, but the future is unclear.

I will post again soon. One more discussion on this topic. All guys may not be included but one more post. An update on myself and any updates on any of the guys i've talked to recently or kept in contact with. I am still friends with some of them.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love