How Come No One Told Me?

Reading through my blog I realize how much of a bipolar, little snot I am. Sorry guys. Now...time for another post.

So tonight I went out to the movies with Guy E, and I realized something. I've been so caught up in Guy F that I never once really considered Guy E as a possibility. He actually does have feelings for me. He told me this. The thing is though...i'm not sure about myself. I mean he's wonderful. Don't get me wrong, he's been great thus far. I'm just not sure on how it would really work out. I mean I have been treating him like a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. I think he may want more though. Maybe not now, but eventually. I see it. The problem? I actually am dating a guy..

 A guy whom I quite honestly don't think I really like. I mean he's basically perfect. I just don't think he's for me. Or maybe i'm not giving him a fair chance? I don't really know right now. I plan to give it another week or two before I totally decide. He's quite clingy. I don't like clingy. We don't need to talk every day for every hour of the day. I like my space. I really like my space. I've probably pushed him away this week. I don't like his personality all that well either. He's too old to still be in that egocentric stage in his life. He needs to learn some self-humility and humble himself. I've never seen someone so self-oriented. He does try though. He tries very hard to keep me happy. He tries to change for me, but I don't want to change him. I don't think that any relationship should make you change who you are as a person. Your significant other will accept you as you are flaws and all.

Back to Guy E. I could see him and I in a future setting. I could, but the thing is...my dumb behind still wants Guy F.Why? Only God knows...Maybe it will all change. I'm going to give everything time. Right now, though, I need to go do laundry.

Until next time...

-Signed, 

Love

My Kindness Is Definitely Killing Me.

I spent the day sulking in my misery. Well part of the day...my very good friend B wouldn't let me sulk for long. SMH. Anyways...I just kinda wanna write out my thoughts. Don't mind this post...matter of fact don't mind the whole blog now that I think about it. It's just my outlet.

So...day...misery...yeahh...it didn't go exactly how I wanted it to go. As much as I would have loved to finally sit down and talk to Guy F about our situation, it didn't happen. I can't let him run over me. He'll never respect me if I don't make him. He treats me like shit because I let him. I have to stop letting my kindness and my feelings for him be my weakness. I need to stand my ground. I have a rough draft guys. I'm going to wait until Sunday to send it though. Yes, i'm being a weakling and giving him extra time. I know I suck at standing my ground. But here it is:

"At times I swear you're avoiding me. But whatever...I think we need to stay friends. I'm tired of letting you run over me. I was actually going to try to work things out with you, but then reality hit me. You can't say you want me in your life and you want to marry me then still treat me like some second hand option. I tried to talk to you. I tried. It's always me trying and getting my feelings hurt. Well i'm over it. I'll be your friend. You haven't showed me that you're sincere about anything you said in that message. I actually believed you too. I’m done letting you hurt my feelings. I’ll always be your friend, but I can’t let you hurt me anymore. I just can’t. If you could feel even a fraction of what I felt you would’ve given up a long time ago. You probably wouldn’t be able to deal with it. I hope you find someone you can actually treat like they need to be treated. Clearly it’s not me. I still love you, but I think I’m done for good this time. Idk what else to do.."

Yeah...I wanna say i'm not sure how it's going to go, but i'm pretty sure I won't get any response. Same as usual. I guess when it all comes down to it I still have my scissors to cut my hair. They never fail me. They never leave me. Strange? Maybe, but it's just something that makes me feel better about myself. New me equals new beginning, right? Ehh, don't worry too much. I've only ever seriously chopped my hair off twice now. Once in my freshman year of college and today. Today mostly because I had dead ends but either way it felt great. Plus, I like short hair. Okay, i'm getting of topic. Back to business.

So I was going to be too nice and still tell him we could work on it. UNTIL, it was brought to my attention that if he really cared about me that much he would have made time for me. If I was indeed the person he wanted to marry I would be treated as family, shown some respect, and given some time. Which I have not been. Clearly he's not ready for this. I honestly deserve way better than what he half pissed-assedly [yes, it is a word for now] gives me. I can do better. Will I do better? That's questionable. I am prepared to live my life lonely and surrounded by puppies. I already have my single life all planned out. Haha...yeah i'm a little dramatic, but I feel that it is a very strong possibility. Just saying. Well I have to get ready for a movie now. I'll probably post again before I go to sleep.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

It's Like Cutting Except The Pain Is Deeper.

In two days time I have let Guy F get my hopes up twice and destroy them all in the same day. Twice. Why? Let's go to the beginning...

Here's the message I got word for word after I poured my heart out to him and he didn't respond at all. No response, then this out of nowhere:

"OK here's the deal. I love you with all my heart. I really do. The reason I act the way I do is just because I don't want to get my heart broken by you. Granted, I know you're an honest, loyal, and faithful woman, but I've just seen it too many times where guys girlfriends put themselves in a bad situation like cheating while the boyfriend is gone for a while. I don't want you to get bored with me being far away nor close to you. You know I love you with all my heart and soul lady. I talked to my mom and she told me to stop being so cautious and messing it up with you because eventually youll get tired of trying and move on. I don't want that. I want us. I want me and you to grow old and have kids and all that. We both are made for each other. I just have to stop fighting it. I'm sorry I'm sorry im sorry times infinity. Please just take me back."

So what do I do? I tell him we can talk. I didn't say I would take him back. I just said we could talk. We were supposed to talk on Wednesday night, but he got caught up in something else. We were supposed to talk tonight, and yet again here I am being stood up. I'm honestly quite tired of it. I get that it's Thanksgiving and you're spending time with family, but the least he could do is tell me he's running late or something. I want to act like my feelings aren't hurt, but it's pretty clear that they are hurt. Idk what to do. He has my heart. I want it back. I shouldn't have to keep going through this. I need to move on. All he does is hurt me. Fuck him. I'm done. For real this time. I'm going to stand my ground and let him fucking suffer. I'm done.

And now i'm tired. I'm going to sleep. I'll write again later.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love 

It's Not Simple

Two songs come to mind when I think about Guy F: "Thing Called Us" by Hamilton Park and "Can You Stand The Rain" by New Edition. They just instantly come to mind when I think about the situation. It's not easy to just let the situation go. I'm really contemplating everything. Although, everything is telling me to stay away and keep what little peace I have left. But I feel like if I ignore it again, eventually, a few months from now we will be right back at this very point. We can't stay away from each other. It's like we're drawn to each other like magnets.

I remember a couple posts back when I posted about Dear John and how I did not want to become like the characters in that movie. Well guess what's happening anyway...bleehh. I guess at some point we both have to stop being so pig headed and figure out our problem and (effectively) deal with it. I don't know. I guess after a while of us always running back to one another, you start to think that maybe (just maybe) you're meant to be, right? I mean there has to be a reason for the constant returning to square one thing. There has to be. There's no other explanation. Unless we're both just stupid. Neither of our feelings ever changes for the other. We simply ignore them. How can I be so sure, you ask? I asked him how he felt. I asked him if his feelings ever faded or died down. I asked if he still loved me or in love with me? (There is a difference, ya know.) The feelings are still there. Everything is still there, except for us. We're at two different places. Two different mind processes. Two different levels. We don't understand each other, and I don't think we really try to either. I don't understand, but I am tired of trying. Anytime I try I get nothing but silence. So why do we ever even bother with putting our feelings out into the open for each other? What's the point? I just honestly can't even begin to fathom an understanding. Maybe our problem is communication. And stubbornness. Definitely stubbornness. I am willing to work on it though. I just never know what to say nor how to say it.  I wish he would just talk to me. Tell me something. I'm always left with nothing and just when I decide to drop it, it all comes back. The cycle has to end at some point right?

Okay I could write forever, but I really need to get my homework done now.

Until next time...

-Signed, 

Love

Last week.

So last week my mom and I got into a big argument. Ever since then I have been in a funk. I've been so down and out. I can't snap out of it. She got angry because I told her I couldn't afford to take care of her and myself. I don't work much. She has income. I need to take care of myself. No one else is going to do it. I need to eat and pay my bills. So she called me a bunch of mean things. Attacking my character and, basically, who I am as a person. She made me feel lower than dirt. I mean, I know now that it's not true. None of it is, but it still hurt. She's supposed to be my mother. Now, though, she wants to be friends and talk, but i'm not feeling it. I don't really want to talk to her much. Matter of fact, I barely go home.

I know this is sad, but it's my life right now. I have a lot going on. Too much for me to deal with actually. I just want peace, but it seems that's not in the stars for me. I always have a brief period of calm, very brief. Then, then I get hit with everything at once. This hasn't been the best past two weeks. Well I need to do homework!

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

It's Happening Again...

So Guy F attempts to strike again. He almost got me, but I learn with each lesson. We went through the whole "I still love you. I'm still in love with you." conversation. But this time I didn't let it blind me. I didn't get caught up in it. Instead I told him how I felt, but I also explained that it means nothing. I told him that we should talk. I asked him to explain his side and how he felt. I can sum up his explanation for the way he treated me in five sentences: "I didn't want to be over-stressed. I deal with that at work. So, I dropped everything and acted like I didn't care. If we're not married it will just be the same thing over and over again. It's not like i'm coming home to you." Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

After hearing that I kindly explained to him (in words that I believe were far too nice) that he was full of shit. I began by explaining that he never took me into consideration. He was overwhelmed with work and our relationship, but he never talked to me. He just decided to drop everything like I meant nothing. Quite honestly, I feel that since he could drop everything so easily I didn't mean anything at all to him. So, how dare he comeback now and say he's still in love with me and that he misses me. In a relationship you are supposed to talk things through and make decisions together. One person can't make all of the decisions, drop the relationship, then try to pick it back up when it's convenient for them. 

And for him to not be able to deal with distance? The nerve of him! I dealt with him while he was in Japan. I told him we could work through our relationship when he cheated on me! I worked through every ounce of mistreatment that we faced! But he can't handle me staying home to finish school because he wants me there with him?!? He can kiss my ass. It's not enough that after I would graduate that I would be with him. Going everywhere with him, uprooting my entire life for him and his precious career in the military. Yet, he can't deal with letting me stay home and finish school. Like, he seriously can't grasp that finishing school would be my only accomplishment. I'm already getting my degrees for no reason. I wouldn't be able to use them because I would be going from place to place with him being his wife-in-tow.

So you could understand my being upset right now. How can one person be so selfish and self-centered? I really just don't understand.

And the worst part of it all? My mom sides with him...I mean taking into consideration what she said, I could be a little nicer. But I don't know. I just feel like I would already be sacrificing so much. Why can't I just have this one thing? She says I can finish college anywhere, but I worked hard to get into (and stay in) the college i'm at. My mom, though, she makes me feel like i'm being the selfish one. I mean everything for him is "in the now" he really doesn't have time to waste when I think about it. BUT, he won't talk to me neither. He has yet to respond to any of my messages, and i've sent plenty in reply to all he said to me. I just...I don't know what to do. My heart says "go get my missing piece" and my mind says "Finish school". I'm at a crossroads and I don't know which direction to take nor what directions I have to choose from (since he won't reply).

Well...I need to get some sleep guys.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love