There Is Still Progress To Be Made.

Although it is a new year and I have made small (but significant) changes in my life, I still feel like people try to use me - particularly my so called family. I don't understand why. I mean, I can clearly see that they try to use me, but what can I really do? My hands are tied at the moment. I wonder if things like this happen to me because I am a bad person. I try to be good person. I try to be as humble as possible, and I am always willing to help someone in need. I don't know. Maybe I need to be a better person.

Then there's the whole "love life" thing. I can always seem to get myself into a mess. I broke up with one guy and met another. Don't worry. It's going nowhere. There was a brief (and I do mean BRIEF) stint where I was highly fascinated by him. It wore off just as quickly as it came. I have effectively put him in the permanent friend zone. We can be nothing more than best friends. In a sense, I feel that I like the loneliness. The not having to keep someone happy. I only have to worry for myself, no one else. No more making sure I don't stare too long, or that if I do this it will affect my boyfriend this way. I'm free. I'm free form everything. Yet, I still feel trapped. I feel like I will never rid myself of HIM. Although I feel that I am over everything and that I can move on, I also feel as though it's all a lie. It's all a facade I have created to hide my true emotions. It's quite devastating actually. So clearly I still have plenty of work to do. I don't feel that I have moved on with my life. I'm losing friends. I'm beginning to feel isolated. I don't know what to do..

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

No Worries, Working Towards Happiness

You guys! I'm so proud of myself. I'm actually doing it! I'm getting over Guy F! Slowly but surely! I am seeing progress. Now maybe I can actually give a guy who deserves my time a chance! I haven't even really tried to hold friendly conversations with Guy F. This is good. No, THIS IS GREAT! I mean I still have small moments where I begin to think about him, but then I shake it off and remember my goal. My goal to be happy, to be a better me, and to be true to myself.

So, I listened to Beyonce's new album. I really enjoyed it. It spoke to me on a personal level. My favorite tracks are 'XO', 'Mine', 'Jealous', 'No Angel', and 'Blue'. I feel like they embody a bit of my life. They speak to me. 'Jealous' is my favorite of all time. I take in the lyrics from that song deeply. My favorite line is "Baby girl you can't survive like this." That one line reminds me every day that I can't go on living my life waiting for something that is not likely to happen. It helps me with this whole getting over Guy F process. It reminds me that I have a life. There are other things that I can do with myself. The second verse reminds me that there are other guys out there. Here, let me post it:

"Take it one step further.
Freakum dress out my closet.
Yonce feelin' out this skirt.
I look damn good I ain't lost it.
And I ain't missed a beat.
Boy you been hanging out at night.
Tonight i'm hanging out til tomorrow.
Dancing on the tables,
Ain't got no cares, no sorrows."

So that's not the entire second verse. It's missing a few lines, but these are the lines that (basically) hit home for me. These lines remind me that I can still go out and find other guys. It also reminds me that I shouldn't care so much if the other person does not care at all. The "no cares, no sorrows" line reminds me that I shouldn't stress myself out over relationships. No relationships or guys, for that matter. [In the words of Bob Marley, "Don't worry, Be happy!"] This song gives me life! Lol.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you guys. I need to try to read this play for my class in the morning! I am also going to speak with the director of the study abroad program tomorrow! =) Yayyy!! Wish me luck guys!

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

I Am A Happier Me.

So, over the past week I have made a few decisions in my life that I am diligently sticking to (surprisingly). I have decided not to worry myself with Guy F and I have actually been sticking to it! I have not really thought about him at all nor have I tried to contact him. I must say that I feel wonderful. I still have not gotten to talking to the other guy yet though. I have to do it soon. I'm not feeling the whole him & I thing. I have been distancing myself from him for some time now. I really just like being friends with him better. I need to get a grip on my life right now.

I feel like everyone I graduated with is doing something with their life. Graduating and finding jobs and i'm just here like: "..well I graduate soon, what next? what next?" Well..i've made a plan. I plan to take the LSAT in June, and depending on whether or not I get accepted into the summer study abroad program I am going to apply for soon, I may take the test here in the U.S. or in Buenos Aires, Argentina! =) If I am truly going to make this my year I need to start accomplishing things that I actually want to do. I have already begun to stick to my resolution of being a better student. I go to all of my classes, and I actually do my homework. I am determined to make this year a better year. I really want to better myself and make this my year of happiness. I am also sticking to my workout plan and I am eating better. I already feel good. Hopefully I can keep it up.

Another key thing I need to do is stay true to myself. I can't keep avoiding things. I worry about other people's feelings too much. I never take my own feelings into account. I need to learn to put myself first sometimes. In other news..I met a really nice guy this weekend. I actually kind of liked him. I wonder if it was just me or if he would actually be interested in me. Ehh, either way whatever is supposed to happen will happen in all aspects of my life.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Only If It's Meant To Be. [And An Update!]

So I just finished doing my aunt's hair. I've been contemplating my start to 2014. So far I have stuck with my workout plan. I'm thinking about cutting dating out of my life. I asked Guy F what was the deal with us and he hasn't answered yet. I don't know why, but I have decided not to hold my breath for a reply. My life will not stop for it. I still have plans. I am going to try to get into a program after I graduate that will allow me to go to Costa Rica and teach English there for a year.

Alas, these are all just plans. Nothing is promised. This year I will try my best to not have as many expectations as I usually do. I need to be more understanding of the fact that not everything will go according to a plan nor will it go exactly how I want it to go. I am especially applying this to the Guy F situation. I realize that no matter how badly I want him (or how much I love him) I just may not get him.

---Break----

Some days later....

I'm sorry for the half post above. School and work have been kicking my behind. Seeing as how I haven't spoken to Guy F since New Year's Day I have kinda just let that whole situation drift to the back of my mind out of my problem zone. I will try to speak to him eventually. Right now, I just need to focus on classes (and getting sleep). I have so many papers that will need to be written this semester. I am not looking forward to it. I will try to post regularly, but I cannot make any solid promises yet. It is only the first week of classes. After I figure out a solid schedule for myself I will fit posts for this blog into it. Sorry everyone.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

New Year

A few days into the New Year and I must say it's been a pretty interesting start. I had a hangover all day yesterday lol. The night of New Year's Eve the bartender at the club I was at grabbed me and kissed me at midnight. I also text Guy F at midnight and told him that I loved him and wished that I was with him at the moment. (Sober thoughts from a drunken mind.) He replied and said he loved me too. I don't know the logic behind it exactly. I haven't spoken to him since he left to go back to his base.

Let's see...what else have I worked on. Oh! I have resumed my workout regimen. I'm not trying to lose weight. I just want to tone. Plus, I think general exercise will be good for me. I need to be more active. That's all I have for now. Sorry guys, hasn't been an eventful couple of days. Well I have a story,but it needs it's own post.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love