The Year Of Happiness.

As I go into this New Year I am fully adopting my "Whatever, Fuck it." attitude. It seems to serve me best. I am always the one who cares too much when no one else does. I need to start living my life for myself and no one else. I am the key to my own happiness. I need to focus on being happy with myself before I can be happy with someone. So, I am making 2014 the year of my happiness. I need to reduce my stress levels. Let go of things that aren't good for me. Stop putting all my hope into one thing. I need to stop hoping and start doing. If I want it I need to go get it. Nothing comes to you in life. You must go after it yourself. I also need to stop being so sensitive. I can't get through life like this. So if you don't care, I don't care.

I might even put forth a little effort to make myself look good. I mean, i'm a pretty decent looking girl why not actually dress nice sometimes? I need 2014 to be the year of me. Not in a conceited way but, in a good and healthy way.

Tonight, I'm bringing in 2014 with my family. Not exactly what I was hoping for, but it's still great. I plan to have fun. No stress. No worries. No regrets. Happy New Year, everyone! May your 2014 be filled with many great blessings and adventures!

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

F. H. P.

So it's the eve of New Year's Eve and as of yet I have no plans. [sad face] I feel like a scrub. I need to do something with my life. I'm trying out this patience thing with Guy F. It's hard. My patience wears thin VERY quickly, but I am trying. I just wish I knew if he was trying. I remember his dad saying something about putting him to work while he's home. He goes back to his base on the second. I hope I get to speak with him before he leaves. We need to discuss this whole "compromise" concept. I need to know what he wants from this. I don't wanna go through the same motions with him. I want this to be different. I do. BUT, at the same time I also know that I can't have everything I want...no matter how much I love him.

In retrospect, I should have more faith. I must say, my lack of faith has been my greatest downfall. I rarely ever have FAITH, HOPE, or PATIENCE. Loyalty, respect,and honor. I have those locked in, but the other three I need to work on. I need to have faith in myself and in him. I need have faith that maybe (just maybe) this time will be different. I also need to have hope. Hope that, even if it doesn't turn out the way I want it to, something good will come from this situation. And patience, I need that to get me through the whole ordeal. I need a brighter aspect to look at this from. I need to actually give it a chance. I guess i'm so scared of getting hurt again that I always run from it whether it's working or not. I never even really give it time to work. I just leave before anything really bad can happen. He hurt me all those months ago, badly. I guess I never really fully healed from it. I never really forgave him. Maybe that's what keeps drawing me to him... -nah, what am I saying. I love him. I'm still in love with him. I love him to the ends of the Earth and back three times over, but what if i'm waiting for something that will never happen? Something that is never meant to be? What will I do then?

I'm not sure anyone really understands the extent to which I love this man. Let me explain: I would love him even if he came back from this impeding (and dreadful) deployment with both his legs missing. I would love him whether he comes back full health with all limbs or half his health and a few limbs. Like, I would still want him. He would still be the only man I love. Forever. All and any perceived imperfections that he or anyone else feels that he has right now in this moment or would have after a deployment do not matter. To some, he's pretty average and not all that great looking. To me, he is the sexiest thing walking. I could stare at him all day. Honestly, I could...I have done it before. There are many things about him that on any other guy I would turn my nose up at, but with him it's normal. I accept it.

But alas, this is where my lack of faith, hope, and patience come in at...i'm not sure if it's going to hurt me or help me. Anyways, i'm wayyy off topic and I need to eat. So..

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

I Do Overthink.

Remember how I thought I couldn't fix the spat Guy F and I got into? Apparently my last message to him did fix it. He sent me a message in the middle of the night after Christmas day. Hold on, lemme put it here:

"I'm just now seeing this but I'm sorry for ignoring you. You should of never tried to run though. I love you so so much and it's just hard to be your friend. I love you too much and my feelings are into you too much to just be your friend. I want to hold you at night and kiss you. Not just sit there and watch a movie. Yes I do a good job at ignoring you but at the same time it tears me apart inside. I only do it to seem like I don't care when I really do. Smh stop running and overthinking and start coming and compromising. I promise to do the same."

I felt bad all over again. I apologized to him again and asked if he accepted my apology. I really wanted to see him today and be in his arms, but I guess he was busy all day. I'm not sure. I didn't ask. I just told him to come by if he had time. I just wanted to see him, talk to him, and just be with him. I think I will just wait for him to come to me. I have a lot of things planned for tomorrow anyway. I won't really communicate with him much. I kind of want to see if he's actually serious this time. The only way to see is to recede back into the corner and see if he reaches out to me. If he's serious it will show.

Although, I would really like to spend New Year's Eve/Day with him i'm not going to ask. I'm just hoping that he will ask me or surprise me. I think it would be good. It would symbolize a new start. Hopefully a better beginning. (Maybe I will get my 101 after all.) I just need to be more patient. I saw a Facebook post today. Someone posted a status about patience and endurance. Here it is: "Patience-The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset. Endurance-The ability to do something difficult for a long time." I am going to try to apply this to the whole "compromise" thing that Guy F wants me to try. He's actually showing a bit of effort. I just have zero patience. I want what I want when I want it.

I think that during our time apart and pretending to not still be in love with each other Guy F grew a little bit. He seems more mature. More focused on what he wants in life. I guess my problem is trusting him, but i'm working on it. Maybe we could eventually work out everything, get back together, and have something absolutely amazing. Well...I have many things I could fantasize about, but I have this book I want to read.

Oh...wait! I bet you're wondering what I sent him..Here it is:

"So, regret is my biggest fear in life. I would not be able to live with myself if I did not get this off my chest. I’m sorry for trying to run. I’m sorry. I just thought you didn't want me to cross that line with you. You told me that I crossed the line sometimes. You said that. I was trying not to cross the line. I was trying to give you friendship like you wanted, but I couldn't do it. I still love you. I’m still in love with you. I’m not over you. I tried dating other guys. I just want you. It just seems like every time I try with you I mess it up and I get my feelings hurt. I didn't want to get my feelings hurt. I didn't want to risk bearing all with you (again) and getting my feelings hurt. I will say that you are a master at ignoring me. Like, seriously, it makes me feel like shit. One day you love me, the next you’re ignoring me like I don’t exist. Sometimes I wish I could do the same, but I’m no master at ignoring my feelings. Also, I wouldn't want to make you feel like I don’t care or that I don’t give a damn about you. I’m shy, I’m scared, and I’m impulsive at times. I won’t let my feelings go. I always tell you how I feel. Simply because I think about how I would feel a million times worse if something happened to either one of us and I never told you how I feel. That’s why I always tell you. I don’t want to regret not telling you. I mean, sure, I make questionable decisions, but I’m not perfect; I make mistakes. Anyway, I’m not trying to vie for you to talk to me. I can take a hint. I’ll leave you alone. I just needed to get this off my chest. I guess my “go for it” attitude doesn't always work. I never give up on what I want, but I can’t keep fighting a losing battle. I’ll let you go. I love you. I hope you enjoy the rest of your time off."

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Drunk Chips Ahoy

So before Guy F and I got into it and stopped talking, the last conversation I had with him was about his favorite cookies which are Chips Ahoy. Also, about if "Drunk In Love" by Beyonce was his favorite song because he played it each and every time I was with him. First off let me say that I particularly don't like Chips Ahoy. I like Oreos. I also did not necessarily like the song. Needless to say, on Christmas Eve I subconsciously bought Chips Ahoy. I really wanted some cookies and at the time I saw Chips Ahoy so I wanted them. When I got home I sat there pondering for about 45 minutes why I had bought Chips Ahoy and I do not like them. Then, it dawned on me! I talked to Guy F about friggin Chips Ahoy the night before I went to the store. So now i'm stuck with a package of cookies that I don't even like, and I can't stop listening to this song. It's actually quite catchy. I also understand why he played it every time I was in his presence. I understand so much now. All this on top of still feeling bad. Although I don't think I should feel bad. He let me leave. Then again, it's not like I put up much of a fight to get him to talk to me. I could have done more, but so could he. He let me give up and walk away. Angry or not, if he really cared he would have at least talked to me. Or maybe he just thinks I will come back. That I will attempt to talk to him again. I think i'm going to hold out this time. It's time for me to grow some balls and actually do what I say i'm going to do. No use in wasting my time planning all of this and then not following through with it, right?

....I need professional help lol. I really love writing, but this is supposed to help. It just confuses me more. Maybe I should write it in fiction form. I plan to do that one day anyway. Write a book. I love to write. Words are beautiful. I should have never given up on my poetry. I need to write more. My goal was to improve my poetry immensely. I plan to take a poetry class before I graduate. Hopefully I can make it happen. Maybe I will take a creative writing class as well. I'll contemplate it.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

Well...I did it again folks. Yup...I am just destined to make everlasting mistakes. So I hung out with Guy F this weekend. It was actually pretty nice. Except for the part where I pushed him away continuously as he tried to make advances on me. He said he wanted to be friends though. Things really blew up in my face when I tried to make a prompt exit stage left. I told him that I wasn't ready to be his friend in person. He proceeded to tell me he loved me, and I shut him down. It was unintentional though. Basically, he got his feelings hurt and he has taken ignoring me to an entirely new level. I think I finally did it folks. I let my stubbornness and my intent to not mess things up completely fuck up everything.

I tried to run. I wanted to run. I couldn't give him what he asked for. He asked for friendship. I couldn't deliver and I tried to run. Well...I guess it worked. He let me go. Again. Guess I should deal with it and let him go too? I'll try. I keep dragging myself through this sinking pit and barely getting out each time. I don't even know why. It's like I try and try to claw my way out of the hole and each time I almost get out before I fall back inside.

I need to grow up. I need to open my eyes. I need to breathe fresh air. I need to live. I can't stop living because my heart is broken. Haha --- this is me trying to cheer myself up. Give myself some good advice. Nahhh, the best advice is to follow your heart. Take the leap. Just be prepared for the negative outcome as well as the positive outcome. Everything doesn't always go as planned.

You know...looking back on everything...I completely messed everything up. There was a moment of miscommunication and everything went to hell from there. And the worst part of it all is that I can't fix anything. Clearly I don't know how to communicate with him. Maybe we need the separation. Maybe we'll each go off and fall in love with other people, get married, and be happy.

Okay, whatever, I feel better. Now I just have to contemplate on whether or not to really try to talk to him. I told him I would leave him alone. I don't want to give up, but he let me give up.. Ehh, i'll think on it.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

No Magic 101.

Well you guys, I think I finally have it. I have a grip on reality. I now fully understand that nothing will ever happen again between Guy F and I. I was just holding on to some fantasy. I'm serious this time. I know I have to put all my feelings aside. I need to let them go. Letting my feelings go will probably result in me letting him go, finally. How do I know? Well I messaged him and told him that I really missed our friendship. He replied and we had a mini conversation until I asked how he and his family were doing. He ignored me. So I waited and waited until finally I sent him another message. I told him that I only wanted him in my life somehow. I told him that I promised not to cross any lines. I also apologized for constantly doing this to him. I told him if he wasn't ready for a friendship, then he needed to tell me and I would back off. His response:

           "Yes I really do. I love you and all but yeah you do cross some lines so as long as you stop that and I try my best to communicate with you. We both need to try."

And right there ladies and gentlemen, there is my grip on reality. In plain black and white print. Everything I have hoped for and fantasized about...gone in less than 30 seconds. I realized how idiotic I must have seemed. How desperate I came off as in my will to get him back. I feel lower than dirt and dumber than idiotic. I really let what I thought was love blind me. He doesn't care. He thinks I crossed lines with him each time we ended up trying to be back together. I wasn't the one who did the crossing of the lines though! He did. Exhibit A from today:

Me: Okay. I promise to keep it strictly friendly. I won't cross any lines and I'll communicate with you the same way I would a friend. I won't bother you every day and I won't bring up feelings.

Guy F: Ok. But I do love you

Like W-T-F guys? Do you know how upset this makes me? It infuriates me. Like, how DARE he! -PAUSE- let us continue:

Me: I'm sorry. I'm just not sure how to respond exactly. I told you I would keep it strictly friendly. But I understand.

Guy F: I'm saying like I love you on a serious note.

Me: Why? I just said I would be your friend.

Guy F: Yeah I still love you.

Me: I don't understand what you want from me.

Guy F: Friendship. All I'm doing is letting you know how I feel.

Me: Friendship you shall get. Although I think I would fair better without knowing how you feel.

I just don't understand his line of thinking. Is this supposed to be some ruse to keep me on the bench as a second-string option? If so, he has definitely lost his fucking mind. He's trying to play games with my head. He probably has a girlfriend or something.  I don't know, but I really don't need to know how he feels. It's irrelevant to our agreement to be friends. It really is.

Now about the title..

I really wanted this to be our magical 101st and last try at our relationship. Where'd I get that from? I was watching 90210 and Silver interviewed this lady about why she and her husband waited so late to get married. This lady's reply really spoke to me. She said that it seemed like her and her husband had tried to be in a relationship 100 times when they were younger and it never worked. "I guess all we needed was 101." I guess all this time I was waiting for a 101 with Guy F. I guess we'll never get there. It doesn't seem like it's meant to be. So, with my new-found wisdom and grip on reality, I vow to focus mainly on friendship with Guy F. Nothing more, nothing less. I will not let my feelings cloud my judgement nor get in my way. He will be just like any other friend. Am I over him? Not completely, but I will get there. I am determined to put this behind me, and I vow to do just that. Well people...

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Bipolar Post? Maybe.

As much as I do not like Guy F, I still love him. I just want him. I want what we had. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to go out on any dates. I don't want to even be bothered with any other guys. I just really want to fix things with Guy F.  I can't let it go and I should be able to by now. I'm not going to let myself fold and try to work things out with him. I know better. Well, I think I know better. I don't really know how things were on his end. I never found out. I mean all my friends have stories of past relationships and what usually is going on. I take everything with a grain of salt though. No one ever really knows the full story except for the person in question.

Have you ever just thought that you made the biggest mistake of your life ever? I mean, yeah, I told him I was done for good but it hurt so badly to say it. Like, i'm sitting here now trying to convince myself that i'm happy and that i'm better without him, but the truth is that i'm not. I'm freaking miserable. I can't sleep.I'm living off of pringles and coke. I go for long walks out in the cold trying to take my mind off of it all. I'm a mess. I'm not happy. I don't feel any better since I told him I was done for good. I'm not done for good. I might be miserable for the rest of my life. And for what? Because everyone else kept telling me that I need to leave him alone? Because they believed that I am better off without him? They don't know anything. They know nothing about how I feel. My heart aches for him. Every single piece of me yearns for him. No one understands. I mean how can they understand something they've never had...it's my experience. They'll never understand, but each of them all have something to say. They all think they know what's best for me, but they don't. Only I know what's best for me. I know how I feel. All they have are possibilities. They don't know how he feels no more than I do. And right now, I feel like my biggest mistake was giving up and lying to him. Telling him that I was done for good. Acting like I don't care, but I do care. I care with every ounce of my being. I'm just scared. I don't want to be hurt again, but I also don't want to be without him. I have to try again. I have to put my pride and fears on the back-burner. I can't just let it all go because of stubbornness, fear, pride, and people who don't know squat about us.

I know that if I try there's a possibility that I will get hurt again. Probably even worse than I already have, but I will try to approach the situation as delicately as possible.I keep telling him I want to be friends, but I really don't. I don't want to be his friend. I want to be his everything. His reason for coming home, his reason for trying so hard to succeed. I want to be his motivation. I want to be his support. I want to be there every step of the way. That's all I want. I just want him. I just wish he wanted me back. I wish he wanted the same things that I want. I just want him to love me back. I wish he understood that if he gave me his all I would give it all back three times over. I wish I had the courage to tell him all this, but I can't. All I can do is anonymously hide behind my keyboard and type words that he'll never even know about.

Well...

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

I Can't Deal.

You guys...I don't think i've ever had to deal with  so much childishness and selfishness in one person. I'm so over this dude (let's call him Z). Like seriously, he's upset because I don't baby him and give him every ounce of my attention. I don't need a child. I want a boyfriend. If I wanted to take care of a child full time I would adopt my brother.

I know I said I would actually try, but this is too much. I can't deal with a man-child. He really needs to mature a bit more for my taste. I understand wanting attention but throwing a bitch fit every time you don't get as much attention as you want is overkill. He needs to re-evaluate his life. Better yet, he needs to find someone that will put up with his bs. I have a very low tolerance for fuckery. 

I can't deal with the self-absorbed, "Everything is about me.", "I'm the greatest thing that happened to Earth." type. You are not God's gift to earth. You're barely a gift to yourself, child. I need someone who is a bit more stable personality-wise.

I don't plan to talk to him for a few weeks. I don't want to be bothered with him. He's honestly a nuisance. Or maybe I just don't want him..I don't know. Either way, i'm tired of him. I cannot put up with him anymore. 

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love