F. H. P.

So it's the eve of New Year's Eve and as of yet I have no plans. [sad face] I feel like a scrub. I need to do something with my life. I'm trying out this patience thing with Guy F. It's hard. My patience wears thin VERY quickly, but I am trying. I just wish I knew if he was trying. I remember his dad saying something about putting him to work while he's home. He goes back to his base on the second. I hope I get to speak with him before he leaves. We need to discuss this whole "compromise" concept. I need to know what he wants from this. I don't wanna go through the same motions with him. I want this to be different. I do. BUT, at the same time I also know that I can't have everything I want...no matter how much I love him.

In retrospect, I should have more faith. I must say, my lack of faith has been my greatest downfall. I rarely ever have FAITH, HOPE, or PATIENCE. Loyalty, respect,and honor. I have those locked in, but the other three I need to work on. I need to have faith in myself and in him. I need have faith that maybe (just maybe) this time will be different. I also need to have hope. Hope that, even if it doesn't turn out the way I want it to, something good will come from this situation. And patience, I need that to get me through the whole ordeal. I need a brighter aspect to look at this from. I need to actually give it a chance. I guess i'm so scared of getting hurt again that I always run from it whether it's working or not. I never even really give it time to work. I just leave before anything really bad can happen. He hurt me all those months ago, badly. I guess I never really fully healed from it. I never really forgave him. Maybe that's what keeps drawing me to him... -nah, what am I saying. I love him. I'm still in love with him. I love him to the ends of the Earth and back three times over, but what if i'm waiting for something that will never happen? Something that is never meant to be? What will I do then?

I'm not sure anyone really understands the extent to which I love this man. Let me explain: I would love him even if he came back from this impeding (and dreadful) deployment with both his legs missing. I would love him whether he comes back full health with all limbs or half his health and a few limbs. Like, I would still want him. He would still be the only man I love. Forever. All and any perceived imperfections that he or anyone else feels that he has right now in this moment or would have after a deployment do not matter. To some, he's pretty average and not all that great looking. To me, he is the sexiest thing walking. I could stare at him all day. Honestly, I could...I have done it before. There are many things about him that on any other guy I would turn my nose up at, but with him it's normal. I accept it.

But alas, this is where my lack of faith, hope, and patience come in at...i'm not sure if it's going to hurt me or help me. Anyways, i'm wayyy off topic and I need to eat. So..

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love