The Most Difficult Thing...

You know, out of all of my relationships the most difficult and the most painful break up was Guy F. It took time and it also took self will. Self will to want to get over it and move on. Self will to somewhat forgive him and accept that the relationship was over. It took even more to accept the fact that I could not fix it. Everything cannot be fixed. I was hurt like never before. It hurt me very deeply, but I got through it. The thought of it still brings me some grief at times, but I am fine. "I am fine". I had to (and sometimes I still do) tell myself that everyday. Those words kept me going. As I write this, the pain dissipates. I will always have this nagging feeling inside of me though. At least until I finally find the courage to talk to him. Let him know i'm okay and there are no hard feelings. I'm not ready yet though, but if he were to contact me first before I became ready I would talk to him...or at least try my best to find something to say to him. Well I must leave now. I'll post again later.  Soo...

Until next time....

-Signed,

Love

So, What Have I Learned?

Each guy was an experience and a lesson. I gained valuable wisdom and knowledge from them all.

Guy A: Guy A taught me that everything is not what it seems. He killed the naivety in me. He taught me that people can and will lie to me. Guys want what they want, and some of them want too much. He was also my first practice at undercover work and revenge.

Guy B: Guy B taught me that while someone may seem nice, there is always something lying underneath the exterior. He also taught me that sometimes I have to stick up for myself and  hold my own ground.

Guy C: I learned a good bit from Guy C. I learned that insecurities lie within everyone. He also taught me that it's best to not have everyone in the middle of your relationship. With Guy C I learned how rumors and lies can destroy a perfectly good relationship. 

Guy D: With Guy D, I learned what it's like to be on the other side of the heartbreak. Although I didn't cheat on him nor do him wrong in any kind of way, I did feel the guilt and regret of hurting someone. 

Guy E: I learned some very important things from Guy E. I learned how personal problems (injuries, state of mind, etc.. things like that) can really affect a relationship. I learned that someone can be in a relationship and be confused as to what they wanted. I also got a taste of modern day racism. I don't know if I mentioned it, but he and I were of different races. His family didn't mind. They knew what he liked and they accepted it. My family accepted him. 

Guy F: Not all that glitters is gold. You can be as in love as you want to be, but that doesn't guarantee anything. You can try as hard as you want to make a relationship work, but it doesn't have to work. A relationship takes work from two people. You both have to give your all. Just because you think of or even plan a wedding, even if there is a proposal, NOTHING is promised, and after it all falls through the only thing you can do is get over it and move on. Getting over it is hard and moving on is even harder, but you can do it. These are things I learned from Guy F.

Would I date any of them again? - I can definitely say no to the ones that I probably will never see again and the ones that I have no feelings for whatsoever. That still leaves a few up in the air for question though. I would honestly love to say no for them all, but the future is unclear.

I will post again soon. One more discussion on this topic. All guys may not be included but one more post. An update on myself and any updates on any of the guys i've talked to recently or kept in contact with. I am still friends with some of them.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Part 5- Back Together?

Jan: We worked out our differences and reconciled. Everything seemed to be fine. He was actually making an effort to fix everything. He talked to me pretty consistently. It was like he really cared and felt sorry for what he did. So I finally forgave him fully. It was like we were back on track to being us again. I was beginning to feel happy again.
Feb: It was getting closer to time for him to come home. He was so happy and excited to see me again. We had not seen each other for a year. We made plans for me to pick him up at the airport. Then he and I would spend time together after he got in from his flight. We had a great night planned. We were going to go to dinner and then go to a park. Fabulous plans..
March: So the time finally came for him to come home. I was soo nervous. I didn't know what to expect nor how to feel/act. I got to the airport city and checked into our hotel and got all my stuff settled. Then I left for the airport to pick him up. Ugh, let me tell you...his plane was late. Sooo late. I knew that we would not get to do anything we planned. I was getting sleepy, and I knew he would be sleepy. When he finally got off the plane we just went to our room and went to sleep. I mean we talked for a bit. He told me about his time in the other country and how he was so happy to be home. He missed his family and me. We didn't do everything we planned, but we had a great night. We went home the next day. I took him to his house,and I went home. That was the last I heard from him after I dropped him off. I tried calling him. I tried to find some way to communicate with him. Nothing work. I started to get angry. I felt a little hurt. I expressed my feelings to him. He finally answered. He said that he had been trying to call me, but I wouldn't answer. He tried texting me and he got no reply. I knew my phone was shitty so I apologized and we fixed things. We found a way to talk to each other. Then, he left. He went to his next duty station. I never got to say goodbye. I didn't even get to see him off. He did call me though, but the damage was already done. I was hurt.
April: I went to visit him for his birthday. It was a 10 hour drive, but I went. He asked me to. I wanted to see him, and I didn't want him to be alone on his birthday. When I got there I knew something was different. Sure I still loved him,but things had changed. I shook it off as me just being nervous. The chemistry was still there.We still had something. I enjoyed it. He made me happy. I stayed the night there, and left for home the next morning. We said our goodbyes and I left. He told me to let him know when I got home.I told him to have a happy birthday. (His birthday was the following Monday. I went to see him on the weekend.) I got home safely. I let him know, and I went to sleep. I didn't talk to him the next day, but I did tell him happy birthday on his birthday. I tried to ask him how was it, but he never answered. The day after his birthday he text me. I tried to ask him again how his birthday was, but he never replied. He never replied then, and I still have not talked to him since to this very day. Oh I tried, but it never worked. He never replied. Days and weeks passed, but he never talked to me again.
Aftermath: I was hurt for a while. I will admit I went into a mini depression, but I got over it. You see, I have some awesome friends, but I have this one amazing friend that I talk to all the time. He's honestly and truly my best friend. Don't get the wrong idea though. He's just my friend. He has a wife. He's like, He is a brother to me. He talked to me and listened to me vent about everything. HE gave me advice,told me to be strong, and keep my head up. And my other best friend, his wife, she helped too. I finally told her part of the story. We both agree that there's something about his birthday that made him stop talking to me. Although the days of me caring are long gone.

Now, this is the end of Guy F's story. I want to say there will be no more, but in all honesty. I can't tell the future. We are likely to run into each other again one day. (Although I would really hate that..so hopefully we don't.) He could even try to contact me one day to explain himself. I don't think I would care though. I'm done, and I'm over it. So....

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Part 4- Post Break-Up

Post Break-Up: I was an absolute mess. I could not eat nor sleep. I barely wanted anything to drink. I was just trudging through life. I had a brief moment where I had a fling with a new guy, but it didn't last long. I was just trying to fill a void. Guy C tried to fit his way back into my life, but that was a no go for me. I missed Guy F. I knew it, but I refused to accept it. I tried to run away from my feelings, from him, from everything. It didn't work. Running away doesn't work. So I lost myself in other things: music, tumblr, and poetry. It was healthy for the time being. Somewhere along the road of me getting over him, Guy F popped back up and into my life.

October: By this time I was beginning to feel better. I was finally getting over him. Then, out of nowhere, he does the most peculiar thing- he tweets me! It bothered me. I didn't want him to try to contact me. I had changed my twitter name just so he couldn't find me, and the fact that he tweeted me let me know that he knew my new twitter name. It ticked me off. I ignored the tweet for a few days, but eventually my curiosity got the best of me. (Yes, I know. "Curiosity killed the cat." Blah Blah.) So I replied to his tweet. He tried to carry on this conversation with me over twitter and it annoyed me. So I sent him a direct message, which is basically a personal message. I asked him what he wanted. The forced conversation through tweets was annoying me. He said he just wanted to check up on me. Although, he did miss me. He swore he only wanted to check on me. I told him I was fine. I was going to leave it at that, but I couldn't. I started ranting about how he made me feel. How he just went from "I love you" to completely ignoring me and treating me like I didn't exist. We argued for some time about whether or not I still had feelings for him. He wanted to Skype with me. I didn't want anything to do with him. He finally got tired of (theoretically) being yelled at and left it alone. I stopped messaging him. After I calmed down I told him we could Skype so that we could talk.  We skyped before I went to class the next morning. I was nervous about seeing him and talking to him, but I did it anyway. I don't know what I expected. I guess I thought he would look happier. He looked just as miserable as I felt. I could tell that he had barely been eating. As angry as I wanted to be it broke my heart to see him in such disarray. We were both a mess. I knew I still loved him, but I wanted to fight it. We talked, and he explained. He explained how stupid he felt and how much he missed me. He told me how he got so used to the attention that while I was asleep and he was awake (there was a huge time difference between us since he was in another country), he found somewhere..or should I say someone else to get attention from. He said it just didn't work though. All he could do was think about me. He missed me. He just wanted me. He missed talking to me, everything about me. Now, I didn't just fall for this as soon as I heard it. I didn't trust him and I damn sure didn't forgive him. I told him we could be friends again and see where things went. Lo and behold by the end of December we were back together. Things just sort of fell into place. It was like we were just meant to be. And the best part? He was scheduled to come home in March!

Yeah...post break-up, getting back together, and March...this story has one more installment. Will that installment be the last? Probably not. BUT, it is where the story basically catches up to real time.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Part 3-The (First) Break-Up

August: What a sad, sad time August was. I mean don't get me wrong the first part was wonderful. It was great. But let us skip to the middle of August. Things had started winding down between us. Everything was changing. He was beginning to have less and less time for me. I didn't feel like I was important to him anymore. I suspected something was wrong. I could feel it. SO, this is what I did...along with the help of two of my best friends. (Warning: Yes, I went all undercover FBI on him. The saying that a jealous girlfriend can find out more information than a private detective is very true indeed.) First, I checked his social media websites. Every last one of them. Even the ones he thought I wouldn't find. I saw him advertising himself as single. Talking to any girl that showed interest. That wasn't enough though. I had to have solid evidence. So I set him up. I knew what kind of girls he usually went after and I wasn't it. I mean don't get me wrong i'm pretty in the face with a slim build and a few curves. My body fits me. But I knew that he liked girls that were bigger than me. I'm skinny. He likes girls with more meat on their bones. Yeah he liked my pretty face and personality, but the guy does have a type and I was too pretty and skinny for his liking. So taking all this into account. One of my best friends had a friend that I knew was perfect. He would love this girl. So we asked the girl if we could use her picture. She said yes and we went to work. We created a fake page on one of the social media websites he was apart of. We added a bunch of people. I waited a few days and added him. He messaged the fake page. So I started a conversation with him. He was telling me how he would be stationed near where this imaginary girl lived and he wanted to get to know her. Blah, blah, blah. I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said no. I just about lost it and ruined the whole operation. I went off and told him he was a sorry piece of shit. Boy did that almost ruin it. My friends fixed it though. They made up some story about trying to send that to an ex. He bought it. Then he asked if we could skype. We thought about skyping him then letting him see me so he could know he was busted. I couldn't do it though. I told them to just make up a story saying the girl was a friend of mine and she knew me. Threaten to tell me if he didn't. He fell for that..dumb bastard. So he text me confessing. I pretended not to know and then be angry. But I already was angry, hurt,and devastated. I didn't want to just end it though. I told him that we could work on it. He said okay and he really wanted that.....LIE.

September 2: So it had been approximately four days since what me and my friends deemed as "The Set Up". Guy F wasn't showing any signs of actually wanting to work things out between us. I tried to talk to him and he would barely talk to me. He still wouldn't say he loved me back. I was worried that it was just a waste of my time to try and talk to him. So I went to his Facebook page...and all holy hell broke loose. Just the night before at a time of which he told me he was sleeping, the slimy little bastard took another girl out on a date! A girl that was on his base with him. I was bomb-rushed by a flurry of emotions- rage, anger, hurt, devastation. I just did not know what to do. I blew up. I went off on him. I broke up with him. I screamed and I wanted to throw things at him, but he wasn't here. I asked him how could he? How could you go from wanting to marry someone to cheating on them? I asked him if his plan was to introduce me to her when I was to come see him, because if so that was pretty fucked up of him. I told him that he was so lucky I had not bought my plane ticket yet or else. I don't know exactly what would have happened if I had already purchased my ticket...or else just sounded like a good threat at the time. So instead of buying the ticket, out of anger I went and bought a new computer...the one i'm typing on right now as a matter of fact. You see my old one had died. I dropped it and it killed the hard drive. After I bought my new computer to help myself feel better. I deleted everything that pertained to Guy F and baked some brownies. The next few weeks were going to be a long few weeks for me. I was absolutely crushed.

The story doesn't end here, but i'm tired. So...

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Part 2- Fireworks

Where did I leave off? Oh the hotel..okay wonderful night, but busy day the next day. We went to sooo many places. It was fun. Alas, our busy day ended and we finally headed home. The long drive home...it was awkward at first. We didn't exactly know how to approach the previous night's activities. I broke the silence first...mostly because I hate awkward silence, and we could not sit in awkward silence for the entire ride home. Oh no..that would be a very long awkward ride! So, I broke the silence...very smoothly I might add (yes, this is sarcasm lol). I very nervously asked him if he had enjoyed his time with me. He smiled and said yes. He also explained that he was at a loss for words. He didn't know what to say himself. So I kept the conversation going. He told me how he had always liked me. He just could never tell if I reciprocated those feelings. Now in all actuality, at this point I had a minor crush on him. Don't get me wrong he was very attractive. Down right adorable. It was just something about him that screamed "NO!" to me. I pushed this aside and told him we could date. We talked to each other every night until he left, and we video chatted when he got back to his base. Everything was going so perfect...so well.

Fast Forward.

May: We had been dating for about a month and half. It was a couple of days after my birthday. He tells me that instead of sending him home in August, they're thinking about deploying him in February. It broke my heart. And right then, when I started to cry, I realized just how much he meant to me. This guy that I had known for a little more than 2 years. This guy that I had just started dating in March. I realized he meant the world to me, and the thought of losing him during a deployment scared the holy hell out of me. I loved him and didn't even realize it until the possibility of him actually being in danger was upon us. I told him I didn't want him to go, but I understood it was part of his job. I also told him that if something happened to him I didn't know what I would do because I loved him. -Now this part was nerve wrecking. I didn't know what to expect as his reaction.- He was ecstatic! He said he loved me too and that he had been working up the courage to tell me. Yeah, I was kinda on cloud 13 billion gazillion asdfgfhkkl; lol. From there our relationship flourished. We had the giddy love period, but our relationship also matured. He wanted me to come visit him for Christmas. We started dreaming of a future together. The usual relationship things, but this was different for me. It felt real. Like, everything we were planning was going to happen. I actually wanted it to happen. I was in love with him and no one could change that. He was the only one I wanted. He asked me to marry him. I spent some time really thinking it through- Were we ready for this? Were we moving too fast? Was I ready for it?- I weighed it all out and I told him yes. I loved him and I would do anything for him. So the plan was to get married within two years. He was happy. I was happy. Things were wonderful. We were oh so in love planning our future together. He couldn't wait to see me. I couldn't wait to see him. (By this point I had plans to go see him for Christmas.) I was the happiest I had ever been. Nothing could bring me down. I had found the love of my life.
Fast Forward/
August.

This is where this part ends. I will continue Guy F's story in another post.

Until next time..

Signed,

Love

The One I Truly Fell For...Guy F (Part 1)

Guy F...boy, this might be lengthy...this guy was someone I actually fell hard for...well let me start from the beginning...

 I met Guy F while I was still in high school. Senior year to be exact. He actually went to the same school as I did for a year until he went to the other high school across town. So we were from the same town, but we never really officially met and became friends until later. When he and I actually became friends he was out of town for his job. He liked me, but I wasn't really all that into him. So we were just friends. When he came home from his job we went out to lunch. It was pretty nice. He was nice to me. He wasn't disrespectful. He was great. Little did I know that this was his way in. This was him getting his foot in the door. After lunch that day I didn't see him again for about a year. We talked pretty regularly though. He liked me. I knew he did, but I couldn't deal with his job. And at that time I just knew long distance relationships were not for me. He was in the military. Something that I knew NOTHING about. I couldn't see it working. 

  Fast Forward one year: His dad died. He came home for the funeral and he asked me to go with him to the funeral for support. Of course I said yes because he was my friend and I cared about him. My only problem with this was the fact that I was absolutely terrified of funerals, cemeteries, and just dead people in general. But I put on a brave face for him because my friend needed me and I knew he was devastated. So I went to the funeral. We got there early and I opted to stand outside the church until the family arrived. I don't think it was my best decision. As soon as he got there he grabbed my hand and pulled me into the family line with him. And being that it was his father that died..we got up close and personal with that coffin and his dad's body. I was freaked out and scared beyond belief, but I did not say a word about it. I put on a brave face and sat there with him. He held my hand the entire time. Caressing my fingers with his. I guess he knew I was kind of freaked out. After the funeral he made sure I was with him the entire time. We hung out at the little family reception after the funeral, and we hung out later that night. 

  Later that night he hung out with me on my college campus. We just walked around and talked. We walked through the garden and sat by the big fountain to talk. It was a pretty nice unofficial date. Somehow we got to talking about us. How long we had known each other and how we were great friends. Somewhere along the line he started telling me how much he liked me. Eventually, (somehow) he kissed me. At that time I wasn't really feeling it, but we dated for a little while until I found out he had a girlfriend and I broke up with him. (Flag #1) I stopped talking to him after that. Until he came back in March for his great grandmother's funeral. (I know...alot of deaths..)

  March: He comes back into town. Cool. I run into him even though I was trying to avoid it. Luckily for me he has a girlfriend who is attached to him like a leech. But as soon as he sees me, I see the emotions in his eyes. I knew he still wanted me. I wasn't sure if I wanted him though. I saw him and we talked for a little. Even hung out for a few minutes. Nothing happened though...until he asked me to go to Atlanta with him. He said a friend had cancelled on him so he had two rooms with no one to go with. I was going to say no, but eventually my mom helped me talk myself into going. I never did anything anyway. Why not go on a free trip to Atlanta? So I went...On the way there he told me that he had broken up with his girlfriend because basically she was selfish. She felt that his family was not a priority. I gave him my condolences and thoughts on the subject. That conversation lasted the entire trip to ATL. When we got there we found the hotel. Then he tells me that it's really only one room but he'll sleep on the pull out bed. I told him it was fine. We could share a bed. I was thinking to myself that he had planned this though. Sneaky heifer. Anyways, we got settled and went out to eat.  We also went to an ice cream parlor. Although I didn't get any ice cream. I was full. Back to the hotel. I fiddled around on my computer. Then we watched tv. He was so stuck on military time that he wanted to go to sleep early. Fine. I tried to sleep in pajamas, but I couldn't. I told him I was taking my pajama pants off and he had to deal with it. I guess in retaliation he decided to take his shirt off. Oh my goodness...He had the body of a god. I just couldn't contain myself. I found a way to touch him lol. With my mission accomplished I suggested we listened to music. He was trying so hard to be a gentleman, but I was egging him on...in a way. Eventually he lost control and started kissing me. Things escalated from there. I won't go into detail. It was a wonderful night though. The beginning of something beautiful.

This is pretty long so i'll let this part end here and begin another post. This story is too long to be told in one sitting. So until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Guy D & Guy E...and a little of Guy C

So...I broke up with Guy C and met Guy D. We dated for all of one month, maybe two. Insignificant time, but he, himself, is significant. He fell head over hills for me. And I...kinda liked him. He was a good person for the most part, but he was clingy and weird. We were barely into the relationship when he started hinting at me having his kid one day. BiG NO-NO! Not to mention he was a mama's boy. Eww...Needless to say. It was a disaster and when I broke up with him it broke his soul. He still to this day texts me and tells me he misses me and tries to see me. This is why he is significant. He is the first guy that I can honestly say I broke his heart. I hurt him very badly. And I felt awful for it. As we kept getting deeper into the relationship I realized that I didn't really feel how he felt for me. So with a little bit if coaxing from my ex (Guy C) I broke up with Guy D.
See, Guy C thought that this would be his way back in. That he could get me back and right his wrongs. We talked for a little while...then I met Guy E. Now, Guy E was different. He had me all sorts of interested. I experienced a whole new world with him. And I fell for him. I fell for him hard. He was a love experience all in his own category. He was the first guy whose mom actually liked me. I met nearly his whole family and they all loved me. They didn't care about what I looked like, who my parents were, or anything like that. They only cared about my personality and if Guy E and I made each other happy. But that was just his family...
Underneath the sweetness, the caring, loving caresses and snuggles..Guy E was more confused than an elephant with it's head in the ground. He didn't know what he wanted. On the outside he was nearly perfect. Athlete, smart, good grades.. the whole nine. Inside...just as jumbled as a jigsaw puzzle that has yet to be solved. He said he loved me but he couldn't be with me, which til this day and forever more I will never understand. We had a complicated love but it was still a great experience. After we broke up he moved to another state and started dating/living with someone else. It kinda hurt at first but I got over it. I especially got over it when Guy F came into the picture...
  Guy E and I still talk. We are actually pretty good friends now. Although I think that maybe he still has some feelings for me. Idk, but I hope he doesn't. I can't deal with another relationship right now.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love