Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

Well...I did it again folks. Yup...I am just destined to make everlasting mistakes. So I hung out with Guy F this weekend. It was actually pretty nice. Except for the part where I pushed him away continuously as he tried to make advances on me. He said he wanted to be friends though. Things really blew up in my face when I tried to make a prompt exit stage left. I told him that I wasn't ready to be his friend in person. He proceeded to tell me he loved me, and I shut him down. It was unintentional though. Basically, he got his feelings hurt and he has taken ignoring me to an entirely new level. I think I finally did it folks. I let my stubbornness and my intent to not mess things up completely fuck up everything.

I tried to run. I wanted to run. I couldn't give him what he asked for. He asked for friendship. I couldn't deliver and I tried to run. Well...I guess it worked. He let me go. Again. Guess I should deal with it and let him go too? I'll try. I keep dragging myself through this sinking pit and barely getting out each time. I don't even know why. It's like I try and try to claw my way out of the hole and each time I almost get out before I fall back inside.

I need to grow up. I need to open my eyes. I need to breathe fresh air. I need to live. I can't stop living because my heart is broken. Haha --- this is me trying to cheer myself up. Give myself some good advice. Nahhh, the best advice is to follow your heart. Take the leap. Just be prepared for the negative outcome as well as the positive outcome. Everything doesn't always go as planned.

You know...looking back on everything...I completely messed everything up. There was a moment of miscommunication and everything went to hell from there. And the worst part of it all is that I can't fix anything. Clearly I don't know how to communicate with him. Maybe we need the separation. Maybe we'll each go off and fall in love with other people, get married, and be happy.

Okay, whatever, I feel better. Now I just have to contemplate on whether or not to really try to talk to him. I told him I would leave him alone. I don't want to give up, but he let me give up.. Ehh, i'll think on it.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love