I Do Overthink.

Remember how I thought I couldn't fix the spat Guy F and I got into? Apparently my last message to him did fix it. He sent me a message in the middle of the night after Christmas day. Hold on, lemme put it here:

"I'm just now seeing this but I'm sorry for ignoring you. You should of never tried to run though. I love you so so much and it's just hard to be your friend. I love you too much and my feelings are into you too much to just be your friend. I want to hold you at night and kiss you. Not just sit there and watch a movie. Yes I do a good job at ignoring you but at the same time it tears me apart inside. I only do it to seem like I don't care when I really do. Smh stop running and overthinking and start coming and compromising. I promise to do the same."

I felt bad all over again. I apologized to him again and asked if he accepted my apology. I really wanted to see him today and be in his arms, but I guess he was busy all day. I'm not sure. I didn't ask. I just told him to come by if he had time. I just wanted to see him, talk to him, and just be with him. I think I will just wait for him to come to me. I have a lot of things planned for tomorrow anyway. I won't really communicate with him much. I kind of want to see if he's actually serious this time. The only way to see is to recede back into the corner and see if he reaches out to me. If he's serious it will show.

Although, I would really like to spend New Year's Eve/Day with him i'm not going to ask. I'm just hoping that he will ask me or surprise me. I think it would be good. It would symbolize a new start. Hopefully a better beginning. (Maybe I will get my 101 after all.) I just need to be more patient. I saw a Facebook post today. Someone posted a status about patience and endurance. Here it is: "Patience-The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset. Endurance-The ability to do something difficult for a long time." I am going to try to apply this to the whole "compromise" thing that Guy F wants me to try. He's actually showing a bit of effort. I just have zero patience. I want what I want when I want it.

I think that during our time apart and pretending to not still be in love with each other Guy F grew a little bit. He seems more mature. More focused on what he wants in life. I guess my problem is trusting him, but i'm working on it. Maybe we could eventually work out everything, get back together, and have something absolutely amazing. Well...I have many things I could fantasize about, but I have this book I want to read.

Oh...wait! I bet you're wondering what I sent him..Here it is:

"So, regret is my biggest fear in life. I would not be able to live with myself if I did not get this off my chest. I’m sorry for trying to run. I’m sorry. I just thought you didn't want me to cross that line with you. You told me that I crossed the line sometimes. You said that. I was trying not to cross the line. I was trying to give you friendship like you wanted, but I couldn't do it. I still love you. I’m still in love with you. I’m not over you. I tried dating other guys. I just want you. It just seems like every time I try with you I mess it up and I get my feelings hurt. I didn't want to get my feelings hurt. I didn't want to risk bearing all with you (again) and getting my feelings hurt. I will say that you are a master at ignoring me. Like, seriously, it makes me feel like shit. One day you love me, the next you’re ignoring me like I don’t exist. Sometimes I wish I could do the same, but I’m no master at ignoring my feelings. Also, I wouldn't want to make you feel like I don’t care or that I don’t give a damn about you. I’m shy, I’m scared, and I’m impulsive at times. I won’t let my feelings go. I always tell you how I feel. Simply because I think about how I would feel a million times worse if something happened to either one of us and I never told you how I feel. That’s why I always tell you. I don’t want to regret not telling you. I mean, sure, I make questionable decisions, but I’m not perfect; I make mistakes. Anyway, I’m not trying to vie for you to talk to me. I can take a hint. I’ll leave you alone. I just needed to get this off my chest. I guess my “go for it” attitude doesn't always work. I never give up on what I want, but I can’t keep fighting a losing battle. I’ll let you go. I love you. I hope you enjoy the rest of your time off."

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love