I am doing great! I feel better. Think i'm finally getting over my sickness. Here's what's been running through my mind since my last REAL post.
Let's start with Guy E. We have still been hanging out pretty consistently. I'm not really sure what direction it's headed, but for now I like the company. I think he likes the company as well. There's no real attachment or commitment. Just hanging out. It's nice. Although we both have jealousy streaks form time to time. It's a complicated situation. One that I probably shouldn't be in, but hey...i'm young, let me live. At least with Guy E I kind of know what to expect. Sad, but true. I like hanging out with Guy E. He makes me happy, and we have a lot in common. It's just that when we get into talking about the future...i'm not exactly sure about how that would work. I mean we're good together for the moment, but i'm not sure about long term. He's too indecisive and so am I.
Earlier today while cleaning out my email I ran over some old messages from Guy F. I don't think I have ever been more sick and disgusted in my life. Those messages brought me pain, then nostalgia. It pissed me off to read the lies. Then it hurt because I didn't have it anymore. I mean I cannot deny that loving him was an experience. (And that's where nostalgia kicked in.) It brought me so much knowledge and I learned so much about myself. Yes, somewhere deep down I wish it all could have worked out for us, but i'm better now. I have fully accepted everything that happened and I have come to terms with it (somewhat).
I guess somewhere deep down inside I will always have feelings for him and think about what could have been. I will not dwell on it though. I have learned to love and let go. Not everything is what I need, merely what I want. I think I just want that feeling back. I'm scared that I will never experience anything like it again. I mean I know that it is very well possible that I could, but it also very possible that I could not. Like seriously, what if I never find something that great again? For me good things only come once. I don't have the best of luck with everything.
On another note, I feel that within the past few weeks of being engrossed in my thoughts and being sick, I have grown as a person. I think I became just a little bit wiser. Well I must go now. I still have a paper to write, a quiz to finish, and a dinner date with my best friend! =)
Until next time...
-Signed,
Love
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