Never Ever

You guys..I feel like i'm never good enough, i'm never enough for any guy. This feeling has brought me to the conclusion that my confidence is shot. I used to be pretty sure of myself. Secure enough to think I could get the guy I wanted, but i'm not so sure anymore. I'm also scared to try. I don't want to take that leap of faith. So there's this guy, let's call him X. I have been flirting with X for a few weeks. I'm not really sure where I was hoping to get with it, but I did it. It seemed to work. He flirted back. After flirting with him for a while, I decided that I would only try to be his friend. (Yes, low self-esteem kicked in here.) I mean yes, i'm attracted to him, but I wasn't sure of myself. Well, despite all of my unsureness and low self-esteem I decided to invite him to come study with me. I mean it seemed innocent enough. It's studying. No flirting overtones or undertones. Just simply studying together, maybe a little talking. Nothing serious. He said sure, but he never replied when I suggested a time and place. I don't know why. I'm trying not to read too much into it. I mean it's whatever, but it still shot my self-esteem a bit more. I mean i'm pretty sure he has girls knocking down his door. No need to waste time on me. I kind of expected it.

Gahh...I really need to work on this. As I type i'm inwardly fighting with myself to have more confidence. So hard...I am seriously my worst and hardest critic. I don't think anyone could criticize me more than I criticize myself. I'm supposed to be studying and i'm sitting here basically having an argument with myself. On the plus side, my playlist is freaking AWESOME! Lol, just thought I would throw that in there. Seriously though guys, I have to work on myself esteem. I used to be so sure of myself. Nothing could make me doubt myself. I feel like who I used to be is in pieces and a weak, crappy version is taking over. I really need to get myself together.

But it's not like I always feel like that. Only when guys are concerned. Other than that, i'm fine. I have no problems. I'm pretty happy. My life is going pretty good at the moment. I have no other complaints. Just improvements I need to make in myself. Well...I need to read these chapters if I plan on being a better student this academic year.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love