Bipolar Post? Maybe.

As much as I do not like Guy F, I still love him. I just want him. I want what we had. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to go out on any dates. I don't want to even be bothered with any other guys. I just really want to fix things with Guy F.  I can't let it go and I should be able to by now. I'm not going to let myself fold and try to work things out with him. I know better. Well, I think I know better. I don't really know how things were on his end. I never found out. I mean all my friends have stories of past relationships and what usually is going on. I take everything with a grain of salt though. No one ever really knows the full story except for the person in question.

Have you ever just thought that you made the biggest mistake of your life ever? I mean, yeah, I told him I was done for good but it hurt so badly to say it. Like, i'm sitting here now trying to convince myself that i'm happy and that i'm better without him, but the truth is that i'm not. I'm freaking miserable. I can't sleep.I'm living off of pringles and coke. I go for long walks out in the cold trying to take my mind off of it all. I'm a mess. I'm not happy. I don't feel any better since I told him I was done for good. I'm not done for good. I might be miserable for the rest of my life. And for what? Because everyone else kept telling me that I need to leave him alone? Because they believed that I am better off without him? They don't know anything. They know nothing about how I feel. My heart aches for him. Every single piece of me yearns for him. No one understands. I mean how can they understand something they've never had...it's my experience. They'll never understand, but each of them all have something to say. They all think they know what's best for me, but they don't. Only I know what's best for me. I know how I feel. All they have are possibilities. They don't know how he feels no more than I do. And right now, I feel like my biggest mistake was giving up and lying to him. Telling him that I was done for good. Acting like I don't care, but I do care. I care with every ounce of my being. I'm just scared. I don't want to be hurt again, but I also don't want to be without him. I have to try again. I have to put my pride and fears on the back-burner. I can't just let it all go because of stubbornness, fear, pride, and people who don't know squat about us.

I know that if I try there's a possibility that I will get hurt again. Probably even worse than I already have, but I will try to approach the situation as delicately as possible.I keep telling him I want to be friends, but I really don't. I don't want to be his friend. I want to be his everything. His reason for coming home, his reason for trying so hard to succeed. I want to be his motivation. I want to be his support. I want to be there every step of the way. That's all I want. I just want him. I just wish he wanted me back. I wish he wanted the same things that I want. I just want him to love me back. I wish he understood that if he gave me his all I would give it all back three times over. I wish I had the courage to tell him all this, but I can't. All I can do is anonymously hide behind my keyboard and type words that he'll never even know about.

Well...

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love