Overwhelmed

Okay you guys..so I think that maybe, just maybe I am tired of the whole "relationship" cycle. I think I really want to just focus on what I am going to do after I graduate from college. I mean...i'm getting pretty old here. I need a game plan. I've already spent enough time wallowing in the hell pit of love.

Let's face it. I'm still miserable. I know it. You know it. Everyone knows it. This guy consumes every ounce of my thoughts. The "What if" thoughts, the "I need to move on" thoughts, just every single thing you could possibly imagine. I feel pitiful that this still consumes me. I mean it's not as bad, but it's still there. That's my problem.

The amount of stupidity I feel for still being hung up on this cannot be described. It eats away at me, but I cannot help it. I feel like one of those crazily obsessed girls who can't move on because they're too involved and emotionally attached. Like seriously, how do you fix it? I mean of course you somewhat get over it and accept/realize that it's over and done with, but you can never really just get rid of the feeling. The emotions. They stay with you, and that sucks. It sucks so much. To top it all off, I don't even really necessarily want him back. I just always think about what if and what I think should have been.

I'm not even entirely sure that I want it per se. I just want to know what could have been. Yeah, I know. That will be my downfall. It's true. It will be, and it has been thus far. It just eats away at me. I mean I have somewhat moved on. I have Guy E. He's the sweetest guy I could hope for and I love him more than I let on. He's wonderful. I could easily be with him for the rest of my ever, but I right now I still have that "what if" in the back of my mind.

I should get over it eventually, right? It will just disappear one day on its own. I will just forget. Well not necessarily forget, but it won't bother me anymore. I will be fully and 100% over it. That will be a great day. I think what I mostly need right now is a distraction. A very good distraction. Or a change. Yeah a change...

While I brainstorm on a change to make, I will also get ready to run my errands for the remainder of the day. I will post again soon. I promise!

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Mini Update...For Now

So, quick post before I go to work.

I am doing great! I feel better. Think i'm finally getting over my sickness. Here's what's been running through my mind since my last REAL post.

Let's start with Guy E. We have still been hanging out pretty consistently. I'm not really sure what direction it's headed, but for now I like the company. I think he likes the company as well. There's no real attachment or commitment. Just hanging out. It's nice. Although we both have jealousy streaks form time to time. It's a complicated situation. One that I probably shouldn't be in, but hey...i'm young, let me live. At least with Guy E I kind of know what to expect. Sad, but true. I like hanging out with Guy E. He makes me happy, and we have a lot in common. It's just that when we get into talking about the future...i'm not exactly sure about how that would work. I mean we're good together for the moment, but i'm not sure about long term. He's too indecisive and so am I.

Earlier today while cleaning out my email I ran over some old messages from Guy F. I don't think I have ever been more sick and disgusted in my life. Those messages brought me pain, then nostalgia. It pissed me off to read the lies. Then it hurt because I didn't have it anymore. I mean I cannot deny that loving him was an experience. (And that's where nostalgia kicked in.) It brought me so much knowledge and I learned so much about myself. Yes, somewhere deep down I wish it all could have worked out for us, but i'm better now. I have fully accepted everything that happened and I have come to terms with it (somewhat).

I guess somewhere deep down inside I will always have feelings for him and think about what could have been. I will not dwell on it though. I have learned to love and let go. Not everything is what I need, merely what I want. I think I just want that feeling back. I'm scared that I will never experience anything like it again. I mean I know that it is very well possible that I could, but it also very possible that I could not. Like seriously, what if I never find something that great again? For me good things only come once. I don't have the best of luck with everything.

On another note, I feel that within the past few weeks of being engrossed in my thoughts and being sick, I have grown as a person. I think I became just a little bit wiser. Well I must go now. I still have a paper to write, a quiz to finish, and a dinner date with my best friend! =)

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

I'm Back

Sorry I haven't been posting much. I've been thinking a lot, and besides that I had gotten sick. Been sick for about a week. I bet you're wondering how my time away has been? Welp, that's why i'm writing! :)

I've been contemplating my feelings, but they aren't as bothersome right now. What is really burning my insides at the moment is the fact that I can't find my remote control to my tv. I am so thoroughly angry that it's not even funny. I will return after I find my remote! And yes I will return with lots of things to write!

Until next time....

-Signed, 

Love

Awkward...Very Awkward

Well ladies and gentlemen, I did it. I have officially been in the most awkward, uncomfortable situation ever. I don't even know how to begin to explain this...I guess I should start at Friday.

So when I got off work Friday, I was checking my phone and saw I had a facebook message. I assumed it was from the person I usually always facebook message every day. Wrong. It was my ex, Guy F, saying he accepted my apology. The apology I made a couple of weeks ago for being mean to him. He also made it clear to me that he was in town for the weekend. I figured that since he was throwing the fact that he was home for the weekend in the message that he wanted to see me. Call me overzealous or too nice, either way I told him we could go to lunch if he wanted. He said it was fine with him. I asked for specifics, like time, place,all that good stuff. He said it was up to me, gave me total control over the situation like he didn't want to overstep his boundaries. At the time it was weird that he was being so compliant, but I understand now. Anyways, as soon as we set up the specifics, I regretted my decision to try to be nice and oblige his desire to see me. Now let's skip to the actual lunch thing which was the next day (Saturday) at 1pm...

When he got to the place I didn't wave, say hi, smile nor anything. I kind of waited for him to get out of his car. Then we went inside. I ordered my food, then he ordered his food. We barely talked before we sat down. When we did sit down we had a few moments of awkward silence. Then we slowly began an awkwardly forced somewhat conversation. The conversation was basically him telling me about his life so far. He told me he has to get surgery and that he gets deployed in March. I was surprised to hear these things while he was telling me, but I tried not to show any facial expressions.It seemed as though he was paying very close attention to me while telling me these things, searching for a glimpse that I still care I suppose. Other than that, he could barely look at me. I tried to talk to him,but I was very uncomfortable and I don't know why. He could barely look at me and I didn't want to spend too much time looking at him either.

Needless to say, it wasn't the best decision i've made in my life. There's definitely still some kind of tension between us. On another note. Today as I was contemplating everything that transpired (and didn't transpire) between us, something clicked: He's getting deployed in March. Now a close friend of mine told me that you usually find out a year to six months in advance that you're being deployed. Think about it...the timeline works perfectly with when he started pushing me away and ignoring me. Now this is only a hypothesis, but it is a very plausible and good hypothesis. Upon realizing that he deploys in March, I feel like he started pushing me away. Solely focusing on deployment. Trying to keep me away from the worrying and everything that comes with deployment. Now I won't know this for sure unless I ask him, but it all makes sense. Perfect sense. It explains why he couldn't look at me, why he treated me so badly. I'm telling you guys..it is a very perfect explanation to everything. Perfect, but I have yet to find out if any of it is true.

Of course,this doesn't mean I necessarily want him back. I just kind of want to know if that is the reason why. Alas, I have to go you guys. I need to wash my hair.

Until next time....

-Signed,

Love 

There's Always More Than One Reason

Aha! Second part of the problem? I already had the marriage mentality- If something is wrong you fix it. You don't leave. I was prepared to conquer any problem we faced. I was prepared to forgive and move on. Which I did a lot, now that I think about it. Every wrong he committed, I stuck by his side and we worked through it. I guess in retrospect I should thank him for not wanting to fix our relationship.

He knew he would continue treating me badly. He also knew that I was very committed to our relationship and would try to work through anything. He didn't want to keep taking advantage of me. So, right now in this moment I thank him. I thank Guy F for seeing what I couldn't. He really did me a favor. Now I have the opportunity to find someone who will appreciate me for everything I am and treat me like the Queen I deserve to be treated like. I mean...I think i'm a pretty friggin awesome girlfriend. 

Well I have a final in the morning. I will post some more tomorrow. Goodnight everyone!

Until next time....

-Signed,

Love

Understanding

So...I know what my problem was, why I was so attached to Guy F. We had something amazing. Great relationship. The problem was that we had gotten so deep into the relationship, planning our futures together that my present life was shaped around our future plans. I was set to graduate on time so that I could go be with him after graduation. I was looking at law schools in California. I was looking for jobs close to where he is stationed now. Like, my whole present day life was revolved around our future. Our plans were so close to the present that I had already begun to change my life. I was ready to go be a military wife. Then, all of a sudden it all changed. In the blink of an eye my whole world was upside down. Discussing it now, the situation sounds extremely sad and pitiful. Before you judge me though, let me explain..

When you're in a relationship with someone in the military and you plan to be with them for the rest of your life or even an extended period of time, your life changes. Yours, not theirs. They are in the military. Their life is already basically being controlled by someone else. You have to adjust your life to work with theirs. That is if you want to live with them, which in that case means you're going to be married. You have to be prepared to move at any time to any place. So you must always have a passport because you very well could be sent out of the country. You must be prepared to not see them at all hours of the day. You could only see them two hours out of every day, once a week, or even once a year. Their job and where they have to be depends on how much time you actually get to spend with them. You have to be independent (clearly) the relationship will not survive if you're too dependent upon them. You have to be able to function by yourself. These are just some of the basics, but you should be able to understand.

That life, the life of a military wife, is the life I was prepared for. I didn't actually plan on pursuing my career fully until he was done with the service. I was accustomed to not speaking to him every day and not seeing him very often. And to have it all taken away in the blink of an eye was almost nearly like having culture shock. I couldn't just automatically revert back to a completely civilian relationship lifestyle. Like now, I don't like talking to a guy every single day simply because I never talked to Guy F every single day. I don't want to see a guy all the time. I'm used to the military relationship style. It's going to take a while for me to revert back to civilian relationships. It wasn't a quick and easy transition to military. I doubt it will be quick and easy back to civilian. I need time.

Well I have to go to work now. I will try to post again later. Have a great day everyone!

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Slowly Progressing

As each day passes by it gets a bit easier. I forget and let go a little more each day. I'm actually proud of myself. I thought I would never actually get over it. Like I would be in love alone forever. Well i'm not, so ha! I did it..well i'm doing it. I'm getting over it. No regrets. No looking back. Each day becomes a little bit easier. I feel that I can do it now and never have regrets. Nor will I have any of the "What if.." moments. I can honestly say i'm starting to feel better. I hope this feeling isn't one of those temporary short lived ones either.

Also in today's news: Guess who i've been hanging out with again..[insert Guy E]. Yep, one of my favorite people to have random conversations with. Guy E has found his way back into my daily life. Our new pastimes are going to the movies and going out to eat. The funniest part?- He won't let me pay for anything. We're not together, but he treats it as if we're on a date. Sometimes I can sneak and pay for my own things, but most times he beats me to it. I think he's trying to make up for being a shitty boyfriend while we were together. Or he could still have feelings for me...both are very plausible. He tries to shower me with things. I always shoot him down though. He says I hurt his feelings when I do that, but we are not together and i'm not trying to get attached to him again. I will not let any feelings try to come creeping back. Besides, I can't deal with another relationship right now.

I am so over the whole relationship thing at the moment. I kind of just want to chill and get my life together. I've been thinking about adding some minors to my majors. I really want a minor in English and for the second one...maybe Math or Political Science. I don't know, i'm still on the wall about it. Well this is all the time I have today. I need to study for my final on Wednesday.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love