Friends Day

So I'm trying this whole "hanging out with friends" thing today and so far i've cracked my phone screen messing with one of my friend's dog. I've also been called ghetto/ratchet because of the high school I graduated from. And to top it all off, one of my close friends really thinks I want to hear about her problems and her new boyfriend (or whatever he is). I honestly don't care. Relationships are a sore spot for me right now. I don't want to hear how great it's going, how he proposed, about your wedding. Nor do I want to hear about how bad it's going, how he's cheating on you...none of it. I don't care right now. I'm sorry. I love you. You're my friend, but I have my own problems and no one to complain to (not like I want to complain to anyone. I know that shhh gets annoying). Not that I don't care about you or anything...I just don't care right now. Okay, enough of my whining. I have very important things to do today.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Hidden Desires

Every time I hear someone talking about being engaged or having their wedding soon I begin to feel this achy feeling. It's like I become nostalgic and hurt all at the same time. I'm not fairing well. It seems like with every corner I turn there is something that reminds me of him. I can go maybe a day or two without thinking about it, but then something creeps up and memories flood in. I was asked by a friend (a very mean friend who never rides my routes with me!) if I was still in love. I honestly don't know. I would like to think i'm not. I hope i'm not, because if I am that is very sad on my part. I can't be the girl who can never move on. If I don't get my head together I'm going to miss what's in front of me because I can't stop looking behind me. I'm going to try to sort my thoughts out and get some clarity while i'm at work today. Hopefully I can figure some things out.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

What Could It All Mean?

I had a dream last night. I don't remember much, but the most prominent thing I do remember is a message from my ex. It said, "I'm sorry. I do understand. I understand now." I have no idea what it means. It could be that somewhere deep down inside I still want us to work or it could mean that eventually, one day (soon) he will feel what I feel. That he will be in my position. But hey, I don't know. I'm just throwing ideas around.

What I do know is that I will not be contacting him again. I can't. I went against every ounce of common sense I had the first time I contacted him. If we are to talk again I want it to be him that contacts me. Alas, I doubt that will happen. He's always been good at ignoring his feelings and pretending that he doesn't care. So good that I often wonder if he really does care, if he ever has cared. I question a lot of things where he is concerned.

The thing I question most? Where did all go wrong? Was it doomed from the start or was the catastrophe slowly developed throughout? Was it me? Did I do something wrong? Is it my fault?  Or was it just never meant to be? Was it something I forced? Did I push it too much? I guess I will always have questions and no answers. I can never seem to get answers from him, and I can't figure it out on my own.

With that all said, it is clear to me that I will always have questions and be lost. And for as long as I have been trying to let go and move on I just can't seem to accomplish it. It is a very hard task to accomplish.  One that evades me oh so well. I know that if I don't let go I will never move on and the fact that I can't let go makes me wonder if I want to move on...

Well I must go face other daily challenges and life problems. I am a working college student after all. I will post again soon.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Lost In The Woods

Besides my failing, complicated love life. My social life is pretty messy as well. I have no friends it seems. My so called best friend has effectively ditched me for her "boyfriend". All of my other "friends" have things going on. So basically in five slightly vulgar words, "My life is fucked up." In a social aspect anyway. My academic life is absolutely great right now. I'm pretty sure I should get an A in my Spanish class. Yay! Go me for having a pretty good academic life!

Bleehhh, seriously though...I need to be a bit more proactive in finding a social life. I feel like i'm in this little shell all closed off from the world. I remember a time when I felt like I was in the middle of the world. I was so happy. I felt like I had a purpose in life. I don't know when it all changed. I don't even know what i'm doing anymore nor why. I feel lost.

I should be happy. I'm graduating from my college soon with two degrees: Bachelor of Science in Psychology and Bachelor of Arts in Spanish. I should feel accomplished, right? I don't. Something is missing.  I know there's more to my life. There has to be, and I don't just mean in the aspect of my love life. But there is something missing. I feel incomplete. I don't know what it is, but I just feel so incomplete. I want to find whatever piece of me is missing and put it back into place. I want to be myself again.

So now I start a new quest. Not a quest of love, but of finding myself. I must find a way to get back to me. Back to being happy and feeling like everything will be okay, because as of yet everything feels like it's crumbling. My world is a disaster. A disaster waiting to be saved.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

A Little Unsettling

So...I told him that I wanted nothing more to do with him. I thanked him for talking to me and told him to have a nice life. Although, somewhere deep down inside of me I just feel like he will still haunt my dreams. Like, my feelings are all over the place. I don't want to put him out of my life, but at the same time I feel that it's best. I still have some feelings for him that I don't want to have. My feelings are hurt and I don't want them to be.

I think my problem is that I had so many expectations for him and he didn't fulfill any of them. He was a disappointment. I expected too much. I expected him to be more than the others. Different. That was my fault, and it was my only fault. You can't make someone be what you want them to be.

While talking to him I expected the worse. I expected him to not care. I was prepared for that. I was not prepared for the "I miss you" route. Not at all. Neither was I prepared for his excuses. I should have been, but I wasn't. Contacting him opened a can of worms that I wasn't ready to open and that I wish I had kept closed. It probably would have been best for us both.

He acted like he had so much remorse and felt so bad for how he treated me. I know he didn't. If he had, he would have contacted me first. Not the other way around. As I sit here thinking about it all, I realize just how awful he was for/to me. I could definitely probably do better. If I ever feel up to the grueling task of seriously dating again.

Anyways, back to the subject matter at hand. I've removed him from my life- or at least I told him I wanted nothing to do with him. I'm still trying to figure out if it was a lie. I mean, in all honesty, I only said it because I felt like he was never going to reply to my message. So I felt no need to continue waiting for one only to get my hopes up for nothing.

Well I have to run some errands and go to work. I'll try to post again later.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

12 Calming Hours Later...

So, after the argument when I had calmed down a little bit. I tried to be nice and talk it out with him. Of course he never replied as I figured he wouldn't. I could tell during the argument that it was nothing more than a moment of nostalgia. That was the only reason he replied. He doesn't miss me. He doesn't love me. Never did. I'm okay with it now though. I'm so over it. I was afraid though, while we were arguing. I was afraid because we sounded exactly like my two best friends did before they got back together and got married. I do not want to marry that guy. No. I don't want to marry him just because we both felt a little nostalgic. There would be no real basis. No real love. While my best friends are actually in love with each other. This guy and I would not be good together. Not at all. The relationship was one-sided. A marriage would be even worse. Like a personal hell for the person that actually cares (me). Gahh, i'm so glad that I am finally able to let this whole ordeal with him go. Not that i'm not hurt or anything. For a second I was upset and hurt that he didn't bother to reply, but now i'm fine and hey, guess what- I am definitely seeing sleep in my future tonight!!!! Yeah, yeah, yeah! *Does rockstar-diva dance*

On another note: I hung out with the new guy today. He and his mom helped me with my Spanish. Although he still makes it a point to call me "Buddy". It's not like I necessarily want him anyway. He has his own issues he needs to resolve. I don't care how cute and sweet he is...He needs to get his life in order. I am mad though. You can never find a good, cute guy. Something is always wrong with them. Either they're too into themselves, they're abusive, their life is nearly in shambles, or (for the straight girls) they're gay (for the gay guys they're straight). Yeah...life sucks. Karma is a brat. Blah blah blah yaddah yaddah yahh...Okay I need to get some sleep I have an important quiz in the AM. Goodnight peoples!!!

Until next time....

-Signed,

Love

I Am About To Explode

The nerve of this little spit licker! So I breakdown and talk to him because I want to sleep, (Which, by the way, I still did not get- woke up every hour)  and this ballsack replies and says he misses me! Like seriously? You fucking miss me now? Not when I was trying to save us, but now when I have given up and tried to move on. No. Screw you sir. I do not want to hear your explanations. I do not want to know how your life is going I don't care. I seriously cannot believe he tried to explain himself. The time to fight and advocate for our love was months ago before I gave up. Not now because you feel nostalgic that I contacted you when all I really and honestly wanted was sleep. It was eating away at me and I couldn't sleep. I've had a grand total of 15 hours worth of sleep the past two months and you want to play with my emotions now? No. Go away.

I am seriously so angry right now I could contemplate choking the little heifer. I tried so hard to keep our relationship intact. He did not try at all. He just let me go. Easily. But now, now he misses me? I wanted to cry when I read that bs. He already hurt me. Twice. I'll be damned if it happens again. I don't want a friendship, acquaintanceship, any kind of relationship whatsoever with him. I want a separation from everything associated with him, and I want to forget he exists. I don't want to love him. I don't want to miss him. I want to not know what he is, who he is, what he looks like, or anything. You can't love and miss me, but then not even want to fight for me. So screw you and have a nice life. I'm so angry right now. I need to go for a walk. I need to calm down. Take deep breaths...blah blah blah

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Something I Have To Do

Despite how much I really want to hate Guy F, I still need to talk to him. I know this. I'm pretty sure that the reason I can't fully and completely move on is deep rooted into our so-called "relationship". Just the thought of him makes my stomach turn though..My stomach is all "Nuh-Uh Girl, Don't go there!" All sassy like and stuff. But I can't help it. It's eating away at me. Usually I would try to pretend he doesn't exist, but I can't. He's in my dreams. He consumes my thoughts. It's like my subconscious is eating away at me to get me to talk to him or something,but I DON'T WANT TO. I want to leave that hatchet buried. Or halfway buried. Whatever. I don't want to do it, but I cannot sleep. I do not know what to do! I can't handle the rejection again. I can't. It'll be like an extra slap to the face. Eventually I will cave in and talk to him. Eventually. Then maybe I will cheer up and stop being so whiny in all my posts. (This is soooo off topic, but I really need to brighten this thing up. It's so gloomy.) Well I must be off!

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love 

Love Lost?

Since my last failed relationship, which we all know scarred me for a while, I haven't really been able to put myself back into the dating limbo. Well, at least until I tried recently. Even though I tried, I realized that for some reason I just can't seem to muster up any emotion. Nor can I muster up the same passion and drive for relationships that I used to have. So, I have begun to wonder: "Has my passion for love diminished? Have I let go of the one thing that all humans crave for?" I'm beginning to think that the answer is yes. Why, you ask? Because I can't seem to find any genuine feelings inside of me for any guy it seems like.I just can't. I feel hollow, like an empty nothingness. Is it because there is unfinished business somewhere in my life? Or maybe I need to look elsewhere? I just don't understand. I feel like my love life is in shambles. The bright side? I'm actually getting my personal life somewhat into place. Well I have Spanish homework to do. I will try to write again later.

Until next time....

-Signed,

Love

Probably Just Friends

   So I have been talking to this new guy. It started out okay, but I think we would probably only ever be really great friends. I can't see anything past that. I mean he's a great guy. We get along well, but i'm not his type. And that, I cannot do again. I can't be what someone wants, but not be what they want at the same time. It will never work. I can't deal with it again. I wasn't what the last guy wanted. I wasn't his type. I'm not this guy's type. I will always be small. I will never weigh more than 120 pounds. Not any time soon at least. I will always be small. It's in my genetics. That can't change. I can't be darker. I can't have a rounder face or really long hair. I am what I am. I am a simple 5'4, brown eyes, shoulder length hair, size 3 frame. I don't see that changing any time soon. You get what you see. I don't understand why guys want so much. I may not have the ideal body type for their liking, but I am a great person. I want to help the world, change it even, if I can. I always help someone in need. I have the sweetest personality. Well at least I have heard these things from other people. I am a very humbled person. I don't try to play myself up or anything. Yet, i'm never enough. I mean of course i'm enough for someone out there, but right now in this current moment...no. So I have opted to be his friend. Yeah, I know..I shouldn't give up before I have even tried, but it's pretty clear to me what his type is and i'm not it. Well, I must go now. Hopefully there will be more to develop in this story. Whether as friends or more.

Until next time....

-Signed,

Love

 

Bad Day

     So I have all this pent up anger at guys. Not all guys...or maybe all guys, but mostly the ones i've dealt with. They've done nothing but be very awful examples of what a boyfriend is supposed to be. I don't even know if I could maintain a healthy relationship. I would try. I would try my best...but would it work? I don't know. I'm having a hard time staying level-headed with this new guy I like....

   For example, today we were having a conversation. A really good one actually. I was enjoying it. Until one point in the conversation when he told me not to flatter myself. He was joking. I know this, but the statement made me think of all of the guys who were just literally slimy little pieces of no good creatures. I got sooo angry. Nearly every guy i've ever been with has cheated on me. Sure they told me all kinds of loving and sweet things. They gave me compliments all the time, and I made the mistake of letting it flatter me. Why was it a mistake? Because they go on to the next girl and say the exact same things. None of it is genuine. They would say/do anything and everything to make me feel special and loved, but they still did the same thing to and for other girls. They didn't mean it, and that's when I learned: It doesn't matter how pretty nor how good of a girlfriend you are, they will still cheat on you and say/do the same things to another chick. So why, after all of those bad experiences would I let ANYTHING flatter me? No. Nothing flatters me. You want me to be flattered? Say or do something and actually mean it. Don't run off to the next chick and do the same things for her.

   Okay, yeah...so clearly it pushed a button. It still does. And I felt so bad for being mean to him. He's such a sweet guy, but I messed up. He did nothing to me. So taking into account my blow up I decided to ask him to just be friends with me. Apparently that's all I need. But yeah...bad day, i'm messing up any chance I even had with the guy. He probably thinks I have a million issues. Hopefully things get better...

Until next time....

-Signed,

Love

Just Maybe..

Ugh..idk what to do! I'm highly attracted to this guy I met. He's so freaking adorable! I don't know what to say to him though. I think I already messed up and said the wrong thing, but I don't know how to fix it. I'm extremely attracted to him though. I haven't actually wanted to date or get to know someone since Guy F, so I don't want to let this go by. I never thought i'd actually be into anyone else. 

It could just be lust though...I mean the guy is H-O-T! I'm gonna contemplate on whether or not I should pursue this. Wait, what am I saying? No i'm not. I'm gonna go for it. I'm already cooking up a plan to try to talk to him. I've haven't been this excited in a long time! I actually feel kind of happy!

Wish me luck! 

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Daily Thoughts

This post is written as a letter to Guy F. I've had a lot on my mind so just bear with me please.

I think about us everyday. I want to talk to you. Just to get closure I guess. I don't want you back. No, i'm over it. I think I can honestly say that. I still don't know what I would do if I ever ran into you. Will I walk away? Will I walk past as if I don't see you? Will I speak to you? I wonder about these things every day. For a time I wanted us to try to work things out, but now...now i'm fine.

I don't need you. We don't need to talk. I'm okay. I don't like you.  I feel like I hate you. I could honestly care less about what you're doing or if you're doing well. I'm over it. And i'm happy that I can finally say it. So fuck off forever. I never want to hear from you again. 

Goodbye!

-There was so much more I could and wanted to write but I think that suffices. Well, enough of Guy F. On to other conquests!

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love