A Step Towards Friendship?

You guys, I did it. I sent him a message and checked on him. It hurt so much, but it still made me happy inside. I was surprised that he answered, but I was also sooo excited and happy that he did answer. I was dying to know how he was doing. I have been wanting to check on him for some weeks now. It felt good to talk to him. We have agreed to be friends and to keep in touch. I don't know what to expect, and I don't really know how to talk to him right now. I am going to try though. I'm hoping we can work things out and fix us. I know that's pretty far fetched and a little dumb considering our history, but I still have feelings for him so I have to try. Wish me luck guys.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

It Still Hurts

So I thought about messaging Guy F to tell him I was ready to be friends, and of course curiosity killed the cat. I went to look at his profile page. I don't know what I was thinking. I wanted to see how he was doing, but I came across something. Before looking at his profile it never occurred to me that maybe he moved on. Well the thought definitely occurred as I was looking at his profile. Gaahhhh, it hurt. It hurt more than I wanted it to. I guess i'm still not ready to be his friend although I really want to be. I guess that I just don't want to lose him completely. I still want him in my life even if it is as a friend. I still care about him. I'm hopeless.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Never Ever

You guys..I feel like i'm never good enough, i'm never enough for any guy. This feeling has brought me to the conclusion that my confidence is shot. I used to be pretty sure of myself. Secure enough to think I could get the guy I wanted, but i'm not so sure anymore. I'm also scared to try. I don't want to take that leap of faith. So there's this guy, let's call him X. I have been flirting with X for a few weeks. I'm not really sure where I was hoping to get with it, but I did it. It seemed to work. He flirted back. After flirting with him for a while, I decided that I would only try to be his friend. (Yes, low self-esteem kicked in here.) I mean yes, i'm attracted to him, but I wasn't sure of myself. Well, despite all of my unsureness and low self-esteem I decided to invite him to come study with me. I mean it seemed innocent enough. It's studying. No flirting overtones or undertones. Just simply studying together, maybe a little talking. Nothing serious. He said sure, but he never replied when I suggested a time and place. I don't know why. I'm trying not to read too much into it. I mean it's whatever, but it still shot my self-esteem a bit more. I mean i'm pretty sure he has girls knocking down his door. No need to waste time on me. I kind of expected it.

Gahh...I really need to work on this. As I type i'm inwardly fighting with myself to have more confidence. So hard...I am seriously my worst and hardest critic. I don't think anyone could criticize me more than I criticize myself. I'm supposed to be studying and i'm sitting here basically having an argument with myself. On the plus side, my playlist is freaking AWESOME! Lol, just thought I would throw that in there. Seriously though guys, I have to work on myself esteem. I used to be so sure of myself. Nothing could make me doubt myself. I feel like who I used to be is in pieces and a weak, crappy version is taking over. I really need to get myself together.

But it's not like I always feel like that. Only when guys are concerned. Other than that, i'm fine. I have no problems. I'm pretty happy. My life is going pretty good at the moment. I have no other complaints. Just improvements I need to make in myself. Well...I need to read these chapters if I plan on being a better student this academic year.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

What Friends?

I told you guys in my last post that I didn't have any friends. Truth is I BARELY have friends, and it's not because I am some horrible person. Let's start off generally...Virtually most of my friends are guys. Very few of them are actual true friends. Most of them have or have had a crush on me. The ones who have or have had crushes on me are the ones who never stick around for long. It usually goes along the lines of "I can't be your friend with these feelings." yadda yadda yah, bullshit. The others, which is actually only 2 (maybe 3), are my friends til the end. Even if they've had a crush on me. They are great friends. We talk pretty often, but we hardly hang out.

Now let's get to the females. I usually don't have many female friends. I've never been able to get into the whole gossip and talk about other people thing. I don't really care about what other people do or say unless it directly affects me. I've always been somewhat of a tomboy, BUT I do have this one friend. She is honestly my only best female friend. She is honestly and truly a great friend to me. No matter what we have been through she has always been there for me.

The other so called best friend I had is no more. She doesn't know what true friendship is. All she did was talk shit about me behind my back. Flirt with my boyfriend (at the time) and try to talk to him behind my back. Then she ups and leaves without a word. No thank you or anything after I let her move in with me. She left to go stay with her "boyfriend". AND to top it all off she blew off our plans that we made weeks prior for him. I'm sorry, but she needs to do better. If I ever dated an older man he would not still be living with his mom. No sir, but i'm not going to get into that. The point is she hurt me and our friendship is over. I can't do it. I can't be that person who lets so called friends treat them any kind of way.

But yes...this is why I have few and very limited friends. I try to make new friends, but that's a different story for another post. I shall return soon. The semester has started and I have tons of homework. Bleehhh.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Dear John

So I finally watch Dear John last night, and I must say that movie is something else. It really does capture the nature of military relationships beautifully, BUT I didn't like it. It hit too close to home for me. I'm sure the book is better than the movie. It's probably excellent. I wouldn't read it though.

As I was watching the movie, I realized  I did not want to become like the characters in that movie. I don't want to force myself to ignore the feelings I have for my ex. Yes, they still linger. Do I intend to act upon them? No, but they are there. I don't know if they will ever leave. Could I move on? I meet guys pretty often..I probably could, but it would be hard. It would be hard to find someone who could catch my heart again. Make me feel any ounce of emotion again. I mean I will try, but nothing is promised.

I'm sorry guys for the haphazard posts. I have been trying to get prepared for the fall semester. I will be taking 17 hours worth of classes and working 20 hours a week. (Bummer!) But I promise to continue to write. It's really the only thing I have these days. I hardly have friends. (Long story that I will be sure to post about later tonight.)

I am about to go eat and continue to contemplate on my thoughts and feelings. I really need to get myself together. Right when I thought everything was alright and that I was getting back to my old self, I realize that I am wrong. I am very wrong to think that. Bleehhh, I will return!

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Closer, Stronger

"One day closer, One day stronger."

You guys....that motto used to hold so much significance for me. I lived by those words. Those words were what carried me daily. They meant more than you could ever imagine to me. Now? Now, they hurt. They are a constant reminder that we actually got weaker with every day. One day closer to it all falling through.

Now when I see the other girls basically eating those words, living and breathing by them, I just kind of feel out of place. Don't get me wrong. I have come to respect and appreciate those girls as if they were my own family, but being in the midst of everything that they still have just makes me feel worse. I don't want to be apart of it anymore. I want distance. Distance from everything that is military. Distance from everything that reminds me of him.

I need to withdraw from it all. Clean myself up. I need to go back to regular old me. The one who can go through a break up and survive. The one who doesn't dwell on fantasies and what could have been's. I don't know how to get there. I don't know where to start. Talking to a new guy probably won't help, but gosh they are so tempting. I think the temptation lies within the fact that I would temporarily forget. Or maybe I am just searching for a replacement. Someone to fill the void. Give me back that feeling.

Oh great....now I am in search of a feeling that I will probably never get back. Each love is different. Each relationship and the emotions experienced are different. I believe that with everything in me. So, why am I in search of something I will never find again? I have got to be the most confused and confusing person ever.

Well I have finally come to the conclusion that something is wrong with me and I have issues! Okay. I need to write this paper. I will post again very soon!

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love