No Magic 101.

Well you guys, I think I finally have it. I have a grip on reality. I now fully understand that nothing will ever happen again between Guy F and I. I was just holding on to some fantasy. I'm serious this time. I know I have to put all my feelings aside. I need to let them go. Letting my feelings go will probably result in me letting him go, finally. How do I know? Well I messaged him and told him that I really missed our friendship. He replied and we had a mini conversation until I asked how he and his family were doing. He ignored me. So I waited and waited until finally I sent him another message. I told him that I only wanted him in my life somehow. I told him that I promised not to cross any lines. I also apologized for constantly doing this to him. I told him if he wasn't ready for a friendship, then he needed to tell me and I would back off. His response:

           "Yes I really do. I love you and all but yeah you do cross some lines so as long as you stop that and I try my best to communicate with you. We both need to try."

And right there ladies and gentlemen, there is my grip on reality. In plain black and white print. Everything I have hoped for and fantasized about...gone in less than 30 seconds. I realized how idiotic I must have seemed. How desperate I came off as in my will to get him back. I feel lower than dirt and dumber than idiotic. I really let what I thought was love blind me. He doesn't care. He thinks I crossed lines with him each time we ended up trying to be back together. I wasn't the one who did the crossing of the lines though! He did. Exhibit A from today:

Me: Okay. I promise to keep it strictly friendly. I won't cross any lines and I'll communicate with you the same way I would a friend. I won't bother you every day and I won't bring up feelings.

Guy F: Ok. But I do love you

Like W-T-F guys? Do you know how upset this makes me? It infuriates me. Like, how DARE he! -PAUSE- let us continue:

Me: I'm sorry. I'm just not sure how to respond exactly. I told you I would keep it strictly friendly. But I understand.

Guy F: I'm saying like I love you on a serious note.

Me: Why? I just said I would be your friend.

Guy F: Yeah I still love you.

Me: I don't understand what you want from me.

Guy F: Friendship. All I'm doing is letting you know how I feel.

Me: Friendship you shall get. Although I think I would fair better without knowing how you feel.

I just don't understand his line of thinking. Is this supposed to be some ruse to keep me on the bench as a second-string option? If so, he has definitely lost his fucking mind. He's trying to play games with my head. He probably has a girlfriend or something.  I don't know, but I really don't need to know how he feels. It's irrelevant to our agreement to be friends. It really is.

Now about the title..

I really wanted this to be our magical 101st and last try at our relationship. Where'd I get that from? I was watching 90210 and Silver interviewed this lady about why she and her husband waited so late to get married. This lady's reply really spoke to me. She said that it seemed like her and her husband had tried to be in a relationship 100 times when they were younger and it never worked. "I guess all we needed was 101." I guess all this time I was waiting for a 101 with Guy F. I guess we'll never get there. It doesn't seem like it's meant to be. So, with my new-found wisdom and grip on reality, I vow to focus mainly on friendship with Guy F. Nothing more, nothing less. I will not let my feelings cloud my judgement nor get in my way. He will be just like any other friend. Am I over him? Not completely, but I will get there. I am determined to put this behind me, and I vow to do just that. Well people...

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love