New Direction.

It's time to take this blog in a new direction. I believe that this blog has served it's purpose for now. I want to have a new fresh start. Therefore, I will be ending this blog and starting a new one. The new one will be about more than just my love life. I started this blog at a low point in my life. Not really low, but I was feeling down and needed an outlet. I no longer need that outlet. I no longer harbor those feelings I once did. While this blog has served me well over the past year, I feel that I need to take it to a new level. I need to expand on my writing. So I am starting a new blog. It will be basically the same format. I will still sign my posts the same way, but my posts will be more adverse now. They will have a range of many more topics than just my love life. I would try to just revamp this one, but the tone/mood is already set for it. So, I shall just leave it. Mostly as a reminder that I have been at my worst and that I actually can get through it. Maybe one day I will return to posting, but for now I will leave it as is. Okay guys. I''l see you on the flip side.

Here's the link for my new blog!

http://livinglifeinhope.blogspot.com/

See you guys there!

For the last time...

-Signed,

Love

This Whole "Relationship" Thing...

So...i'm beginning to wonder why we are together. It seems that the moment I said I would be his girlfriend, things changed drastically.  There's no fun in our relationship anymore. We're kinda just here. I go see him most days. We talk almost everyday. Currently, I am attempting to give us both time apart from each other. I'm hoping it will help. I haven't spoken with him all day and I haven't seen him since Sunday. We watched the World Cup together. I'm still kinda sad that Argentina lost. I was rooting for Messi. Anyway, it just seems like things have changed a lot. It could be because he is still recovering from his surgery or it could be because we finally made it official. Either way it's weird.

I think that in a way he sees that it has changed too. He asks me pretty often if I really do love him. I think he doubts the entire thing now. Like he's second guessing his decision. Or maybe he's scared. Maybe he thinks he is more invested than I am. I don't think he is though. I think we're pretty equal in investment. I love him. I'm not sure about our future though. I think I now have the fears that he had beforehand. I don't know where we'll end up or if we'll last. I'm not saying I doubt my feelings. No, it's never that. I just doubt our future. We're both kind of at a stand still in life. We're both at that point where we don't know what's next. I know what I want, but I don't know how to achieve it yet. I'm still figuring my life out.

I mean things aren't bad. They are actually pretty great. It's just weird. I guess i'm backwards. I finally get the guy and now I feel weird. He treats me wonderfully. We're pretty great together, but that may be the problem. We don't have problems. I mean we've had one major fight, but we talked about it and fixed it. We came to an agreement. Or maybe the problem is that he is always trying to change for me. I don't want to change him. I know the whole "A man will only change for who he loves" thing, but I want him to be like he has always been. Sometimes it feels like he thinks he's walking on eggshells with me. I just want us to be us again. No weirdness. Ehh, I don't know. We'll see how this turns out. It hasn't even been a month yet..

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

It's Official! I Have A Boyfriend =) And I Have Always Loved Him Dearly

So guess who's official!?!?! That's right, Guy E and I. I never thought it would happen again since he was so indecisive, but we're actually in a pretty good and stable relationship. I'm actually pretty happy. Things are going pretty well. We get along great. We are a normal functioning couple, and I think we may both actually be in love with each other. It is freaking amazing. Just when I was beginning to think I needed to try to find someone who actually wanted a relationship, I got him. I don't know what it is, but he's changing. He sees a future with me. He wants me in his life. I think we're building something amazing and I hope it works out for us. I love him. So much. He has always been the one constant in my life. No matter what happens we always find a way back to each other whether we're just friends or not. So it kind of makes sense...in a way lol

So...what happened?

The day I got back from Spain I went to see him. He had been whining about me leaving him for 8 weeks. He missed me badly. I made him wait until I had dinner with one of my close friends. I saw him pretty late, but I saw him. I was with him for nearly 6 hours. He was so happy to see me. He grabbed me and gave me a huge hug. And the kiss...oh the kiss...it was amazing! It was one of those "Oh my goodness I missed you so much let me eat your face!" kisses. It was pretty damn good. He just held me and wouldn't let me go. He stared at me for what seemed like forever just smiling and thinking to himself. I remember once I looked at him, and I tried to look away but he turned my face back towards him. He made sure I was looking at him directly in his eyes and he told me he loved me. I told him I loved him too, but I was shocked. He was acting weird. He was acting different and I didn't know why. A few minutes later he said he wanted to ask me something. I didn't think anything of it. I thought he wanted to know about my trip or if I would get him some water. No, instead he asked if we could be in a relationship. My mind took a complete blank. I could not even believe it. This guy whom I knew for a fact was afraid of commitment was making one to me! I guess while I was away something clicked for him. Like, he just knew that it was me. I told him yes. I was so happy, but I didn't show it. I just smiled. I actually wanted to scream and kiss him and tell him how much I loved him and had been waiting for that moment.

Later, after I got home he text me. He apologized for taking so long to realize that he wanted me. He said he still doesn't know what he wants in the future, but right now he wants me to himself and I can have him to myself. It made me so happy. like, have I told you guys how much I love this man? He doesn't have to know what he wants in the future. We can figure that out together. I know many of you may think i'm crazy for saying yes after everything that has happened with him or because he took so long. Yet to me, it shows that he put real thought and effort into his decision. It wasn't just on a whim. It lets me know that he is serious about us. Just as serious as I am. And so far everything has been going great. So, I'm happy. I hope you guys can be happy for me. Maybe I have finally made the right decision for once, and just maybe this may be the guy I marry one day. Wish me luck.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Barcelona!!

So this weekend I went to Barcelona and I fell in loveee! Barcelona is everything and more. I will definitely go back one day. We saw the beautiful La Sagrada Familia! It is this amazingly constructed church that was designed by Antoni Gaudi. He died before completion of the church, but he left very detailed plans for future architects. The church is not finished yet, but what has been completed is beautiful. I have never seen such amazing architecture in my life. La Sagrada Familia is definitely a must see in Barcelona. Barcelona in itself is a must see if you go to Spain. Barcelona is a huge city, and every part of it is beautiful.

We also went to Park Guell. We saw a band performing in the park. Their music was amazing. If their cd had not been overpriced I would have gotten one to bring back home with me. We also visited the house where Gaudi lived. It is inside the park. It was very unique. I see why he is such a big deal. Before coming to Spain I knew nothing about Gaudi. Now, I know a great deal about him. We also explored the Gothic Corridor. It was amazing. It was more Gaudi architecture. We saw street performers in front of the Cathedral. They were pretty great.

We also went out in Barcelona. We went  to a club called CatWalk. It was A M A Z I N G!! It had two levels. The first level played Spanish and Pop music. The second level played R&B and hip hop music. It was great. They even played a little reggae! (I love reggae!) I truly had a great time at the club. I mean all the guys were creepy, but it was still fun.

While in Barcelona I became a pro at riding the metro (aka the subway). It was actually quite fun. I saw a lot of interesting people on the metro. The metro is absolutely amazing as far as transportation goes. We took it everywhere. If I ever move to a different city I want to move to one with a reliable metro system. It was still running at 4am. It was very reliable, safe, and affordable to take. I definitely recommend it if anyone ever goes to Barcelona.

I will definitely have to visit Barcelona again! It was so amazing. As for now, I need to start another post. I mean you know about Barcelona, but what about life? Lol.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

How Have I Been..?

So I am on this study abroad trip. I know I haven't posted in ages. It has just been hard to keep up with this blog. Plus, I am also trying to get a travel blog up for this study abroad. So many blogs, not enough time. I know I just kind of stopped this blog in the midst of my everlasting drama filled love life. So, here's an update.

I have officially (and FINALLY) gotten over Guy F. No more him in my life. I am not even tempted to go back to that disaster. He still messages me on Facebook from time to time. He was even as desperate to message me on Skype once, but I have zero interest in him. It's great. I'm proud of myself, and I hope you all are proud of me too. He was a lesson that I greatly appreciate. The lesson, not him. He's a fucking asshole. Screw him. So...who am I with now? No one.

Well..

Sort of no one...

I have been talking to my (apparently) favorite blast from the past, Guy E. Maybe we will get into a real relationship this time. What we have going now is going pretty well. So, I don't see any reason to not give it a shot with him. He treats me like i'm his. Why not give him a chance? We might actually work this time. Maybe it's our time. I mean, I love him. Always have. I'm just guarded around him. We shall see how that goes.

Next on the agenda..

I owe you guys an apology. It's like when my life got too hectic for me to deal with I just stopped writing. That was not my intention. It never is. I know I do this a lot. So, my promise right now to you guys is to do better. I will attempt to at least make a weekly post. I would like to make daily posts, but I know that I may not be able to do that all of the time. Therefore, I have compromised to agree on weekly posts. This blog has been everything to me. I will not fail it. Nor will I fail my readers. So i'm back guys, for good this time.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Reflections

So I have read through my entire blog (again)..WHEW! We've been through some things. Luckily, though, I have grown through my experiences, and I have even developed better writing skills. This blog has been a savior. It has been a shoulder to cry on. It has been a listening ear. It has been just about everything to me. I love this blog as if it were me. It contains a very special part of me. The part that I never let anyone see. It contains my vulnerability. I hope that one day, if, no WHEN I find the right guy that he wants to see this blog when I tell him about it. I will want him to know every part of me. All my secrets, all my experiences, all of me. If I have learned nothing else about myself through this blog, I have learned that I am very determined and focused when I really want something. That is actually a good attribute to have in life. I also noticed that I really do try to make relationships work. That will be good when I get married.

All in all, I am pretty sure the path of this blog is and will be changing. I will deviate from my love life and include other things as well. I will also try to be more positive and happy. Things are going good for me right now.

Now, I want to take this time to thank each and every one of you for coming along with me on this journey. Whether you read simply out of curiosity, for entertainment, or because you are genuinely interested in how my story goes, I thank you. This has been a very busy first year. Let us see how subsequent years will be.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love 

One Year-A-Versary!!!

So today is the one year anniversary of this blog,and I couldn't be happier. This blog means so much to me, and whether I have readers or not this blog is my life. I can always come back here to read through it and make sure I don't make the same mistakes. I see my growth within this blog. I really hope that years from now I can show my husband and kids this blog and my other blogs as well. I want them to be able to get to know me as I am right now in this moment. I want them to take lessons and wisdoms from my writings.

As for my readers, I hope that you all continue to read and enjoy my blog. I have so many exciting things planned for this blog. Especially while I am away in Spain. This blog will be full of pictures! I plan to keep this blog for years. I plan to take it with me through my life and career. I see this as a stepping stone to my greater goals in life. This is only just the beginning and we still have so much to endure and enjoy. Happy Year-A-Versary everyone! Later today I will write another post after class and work.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Hello March!

So we have entered March, and boy has it been exciting already. In case I never posted about it: I have been accepted into a study abroad program at my university. This summer I will be studying abroad in Cadiz, Spain and (hopefully) Marrakesh, Morocco. I hope it will be everything i'm dreaming of!

Eleven days in and so much has transpired. I have recently been inspired to start a new blog, and also keep this one updated more often. I have been sucking quite hardly at keeping the blog updated. Alas! I will do better! I love this blog and we are slowly approaching the one year mark! (EEK!) I'm still deciding on what to make the anniversary post about, but I promise it shall be exciting.

Next, I'm slowly approaching my graduation date, the LSAT, and choosing law schools to apply to. This part may be very nerve wrecking..I am actually freaking out quite a bit about this part. I'm so ready to see the world, but also so scared to enter it alone.

Finally, I started talking to this guy. I kind of like him, but then again i'm not sure about him. Guy C continuously tries to force his way back into my life. Guy F is Guy F. I really need to get a grip and leave that alone permanently. I need to live for me. Guy E...let's just say Guy E has royally upset me and i'm over it. I think I will live my life as it goes. Or rather, I will try to live my life as it goes. On the other hand I reconnected with an old friend. Maybe we can still be best friends despite past choke ups.

Things will start to look up eventually..

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

There Is Still Progress To Be Made.

Although it is a new year and I have made small (but significant) changes in my life, I still feel like people try to use me - particularly my so called family. I don't understand why. I mean, I can clearly see that they try to use me, but what can I really do? My hands are tied at the moment. I wonder if things like this happen to me because I am a bad person. I try to be good person. I try to be as humble as possible, and I am always willing to help someone in need. I don't know. Maybe I need to be a better person.

Then there's the whole "love life" thing. I can always seem to get myself into a mess. I broke up with one guy and met another. Don't worry. It's going nowhere. There was a brief (and I do mean BRIEF) stint where I was highly fascinated by him. It wore off just as quickly as it came. I have effectively put him in the permanent friend zone. We can be nothing more than best friends. In a sense, I feel that I like the loneliness. The not having to keep someone happy. I only have to worry for myself, no one else. No more making sure I don't stare too long, or that if I do this it will affect my boyfriend this way. I'm free. I'm free form everything. Yet, I still feel trapped. I feel like I will never rid myself of HIM. Although I feel that I am over everything and that I can move on, I also feel as though it's all a lie. It's all a facade I have created to hide my true emotions. It's quite devastating actually. So clearly I still have plenty of work to do. I don't feel that I have moved on with my life. I'm losing friends. I'm beginning to feel isolated. I don't know what to do..

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

No Worries, Working Towards Happiness

You guys! I'm so proud of myself. I'm actually doing it! I'm getting over Guy F! Slowly but surely! I am seeing progress. Now maybe I can actually give a guy who deserves my time a chance! I haven't even really tried to hold friendly conversations with Guy F. This is good. No, THIS IS GREAT! I mean I still have small moments where I begin to think about him, but then I shake it off and remember my goal. My goal to be happy, to be a better me, and to be true to myself.

So, I listened to Beyonce's new album. I really enjoyed it. It spoke to me on a personal level. My favorite tracks are 'XO', 'Mine', 'Jealous', 'No Angel', and 'Blue'. I feel like they embody a bit of my life. They speak to me. 'Jealous' is my favorite of all time. I take in the lyrics from that song deeply. My favorite line is "Baby girl you can't survive like this." That one line reminds me every day that I can't go on living my life waiting for something that is not likely to happen. It helps me with this whole getting over Guy F process. It reminds me that I have a life. There are other things that I can do with myself. The second verse reminds me that there are other guys out there. Here, let me post it:

"Take it one step further.
Freakum dress out my closet.
Yonce feelin' out this skirt.
I look damn good I ain't lost it.
And I ain't missed a beat.
Boy you been hanging out at night.
Tonight i'm hanging out til tomorrow.
Dancing on the tables,
Ain't got no cares, no sorrows."

So that's not the entire second verse. It's missing a few lines, but these are the lines that (basically) hit home for me. These lines remind me that I can still go out and find other guys. It also reminds me that I shouldn't care so much if the other person does not care at all. The "no cares, no sorrows" line reminds me that I shouldn't stress myself out over relationships. No relationships or guys, for that matter. [In the words of Bob Marley, "Don't worry, Be happy!"] This song gives me life! Lol.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you guys. I need to try to read this play for my class in the morning! I am also going to speak with the director of the study abroad program tomorrow! =) Yayyy!! Wish me luck guys!

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

I Am A Happier Me.

So, over the past week I have made a few decisions in my life that I am diligently sticking to (surprisingly). I have decided not to worry myself with Guy F and I have actually been sticking to it! I have not really thought about him at all nor have I tried to contact him. I must say that I feel wonderful. I still have not gotten to talking to the other guy yet though. I have to do it soon. I'm not feeling the whole him & I thing. I have been distancing myself from him for some time now. I really just like being friends with him better. I need to get a grip on my life right now.

I feel like everyone I graduated with is doing something with their life. Graduating and finding jobs and i'm just here like: "..well I graduate soon, what next? what next?" Well..i've made a plan. I plan to take the LSAT in June, and depending on whether or not I get accepted into the summer study abroad program I am going to apply for soon, I may take the test here in the U.S. or in Buenos Aires, Argentina! =) If I am truly going to make this my year I need to start accomplishing things that I actually want to do. I have already begun to stick to my resolution of being a better student. I go to all of my classes, and I actually do my homework. I am determined to make this year a better year. I really want to better myself and make this my year of happiness. I am also sticking to my workout plan and I am eating better. I already feel good. Hopefully I can keep it up.

Another key thing I need to do is stay true to myself. I can't keep avoiding things. I worry about other people's feelings too much. I never take my own feelings into account. I need to learn to put myself first sometimes. In other news..I met a really nice guy this weekend. I actually kind of liked him. I wonder if it was just me or if he would actually be interested in me. Ehh, either way whatever is supposed to happen will happen in all aspects of my life.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

Only If It's Meant To Be. [And An Update!]

So I just finished doing my aunt's hair. I've been contemplating my start to 2014. So far I have stuck with my workout plan. I'm thinking about cutting dating out of my life. I asked Guy F what was the deal with us and he hasn't answered yet. I don't know why, but I have decided not to hold my breath for a reply. My life will not stop for it. I still have plans. I am going to try to get into a program after I graduate that will allow me to go to Costa Rica and teach English there for a year.

Alas, these are all just plans. Nothing is promised. This year I will try my best to not have as many expectations as I usually do. I need to be more understanding of the fact that not everything will go according to a plan nor will it go exactly how I want it to go. I am especially applying this to the Guy F situation. I realize that no matter how badly I want him (or how much I love him) I just may not get him.

---Break----

Some days later....

I'm sorry for the half post above. School and work have been kicking my behind. Seeing as how I haven't spoken to Guy F since New Year's Day I have kinda just let that whole situation drift to the back of my mind out of my problem zone. I will try to speak to him eventually. Right now, I just need to focus on classes (and getting sleep). I have so many papers that will need to be written this semester. I am not looking forward to it. I will try to post regularly, but I cannot make any solid promises yet. It is only the first week of classes. After I figure out a solid schedule for myself I will fit posts for this blog into it. Sorry everyone.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love

New Year

A few days into the New Year and I must say it's been a pretty interesting start. I had a hangover all day yesterday lol. The night of New Year's Eve the bartender at the club I was at grabbed me and kissed me at midnight. I also text Guy F at midnight and told him that I loved him and wished that I was with him at the moment. (Sober thoughts from a drunken mind.) He replied and said he loved me too. I don't know the logic behind it exactly. I haven't spoken to him since he left to go back to his base.

Let's see...what else have I worked on. Oh! I have resumed my workout regimen. I'm not trying to lose weight. I just want to tone. Plus, I think general exercise will be good for me. I need to be more active. That's all I have for now. Sorry guys, hasn't been an eventful couple of days. Well I have a story,but it needs it's own post.

Until next time...

-Signed,

Love